What Non-Texans Don't Know...

Don't Mess With Texas started out as an eco-preservation campaign

Some folks have written columns about Texas and bashed the "Don't Mess with Texas" slogan for being part of an anti-litter prevention campaign instead of something developed by Sam Houston or Colonel Travis. So we've got a cool slogan that started in the trash. Big deal. It still sounds cooler than...um...uh...say, what is your state slogan? Don't hate. It causes wrinkles.

Everyone does not wear cowboy outfits all of the time

I don't care what you thought you saw in Urban Cowboy. There are more than a few truths to be learned from that movie, three of which are:

1. Debra Winger is not hot
   
2. Deer Park is really scenic
   
3. No one dresses like that anymore. Except at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo, but then, I have already mentioned that before (see Houston: A Really Big Small Town).

Everyone does have a gun

Or has shot one at some point. Some friends of mine from the Mid West and I were telling stories of 410 shotgun gifts for 10 year-olds and grandma's squirrel spaghetti. Then, it dawned on me that those occurrences are not just par for the course in the majority of the population centers around the nation, particularly when three of the five people chorused, "You got a shotgun for Christmas in the 3rd grade?" Quit your belly aching. Guns don't kill people. Stupid people kill people.

Pick-up trucks are the official state vehicle, but they will not fit in all parking garages

Do you doubt it? There's got to be at least 20 "Texas Edition" models in production at one time. Once Toyota comes out with the Texas Tundra all bets are off. What's so great about driving a pick-up you ask? I'll defer to P.J. O'Rourke, who wrote: "A pickup truck is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer..." Don't worry, your neighbors will love your new dualie when you pull it up in the yard with a truck bed full of squirrels. Oh yeah, the Highway Patrol drives 'em too.

Tex-Mex and Mexican food are not the same thing

If you don't believe me, you should venture across the border to Presidio (just across the Rio Grande from Big Bend National Park) and order enchiladas or anything else you may have gotten at a Chi-Chi's in Hoboken, NJ or wherever you come from. It's not even close to the same. For that matter, the "Tex-Mex" you have been eating is suspect as well. It should have some pep. It should make Emeril's "Bam!" look like just a dab of salt on some freedom fries. Come to Houston; go to Irma's and you'll know what I'm talking about. But go to Presidio first.

Road Construction is a way of life

It has been said by many folks across the plains that the orange construction barrel is the State Bird. In fact, I believe I remember seeing O.C. Barrel on the ballot for State Senate the at polls last year. The prevalence of the barrels around the state is not without consequence. Short term equals bad traffic. Long term equals better roads and bad traffic. But the piece de resistance is the fact that road construction projects have no regard for other projects already in progress in your area. Loop 610 and Highway 59 under construction at the same time, there's no problem. Mix in a bunch of downtown construction and the easiest part of your drive may just be getting a ticket from that pickup truck driving cop.

Reality be damned, Big 12 is the toughest football conference

According to people in Texas. Sure Oklahoma is good most of the time, but the transitive property does not hold true here. It's a classic case of ranking inflation based on past prowess. Just look at Notre Dame or Penn State. They still get televised due to name recognition. Sure, they're famous. But that does not mean they are good. If you are moving here for a reason other than to attend Texas A&M or University of Texas, you will be forced to choose at some point. It's the lesser of two weevils: choose a team steeped in tradition but whose fans say, "Gig 'em" or a team whose coach can't make a choice between quarterbacks resulting in sub par performances from his team. Wake up and taste the Sugar Bowl. Go Tigers! (Spelling Go like Geaux is dumb too).

You will develop regional pride

I moved here a few years ago from the greatest football town on the planet. No, not New Orleans. Baton Rouge. I hated it, but I did not really know why. The reality was that I didn't hate it. I had just been programmed that way by folks who lived elsewhere and had an ex in Texas. Now don't think I'll be emulating my friends whose houses are decorated like a Texas Museum of History, complete with antique flags, Alamo remnants and vials of Sam Houston's blood on the mantel (actually it's in the sock drawer). You get the picture. Over the years, a reluctant sense of Texas pride has developed within me. Houston pride is well represented to, as much out of love as it is to spite Houston Haters ignorant bunch that they are. By the way, just because I like Texas does not mean I quit thinking Dallas sucks. Go Texans!

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This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.

Houston: A Really Big Small Town

I want to change the way you think about Houston. Look past the strip malls and strip joints that line I-45, to see beyond the Enron scandal and to embrace the goodness that Houston has to offer. I want you to think of Houston as Small Town America, a really big small town in America. I travel quite a bit and have earned many accolades from various frequent traveler incentive plans. It was no surprise when my Avis "Please Keep Renting From Us" package arrived. I noticed that the fourth largest city in the nation was not listed in the guidebook.

Are you kidding me? The center of the NASA universe? Home to the most popular NFL expansion team of the 2000s? This is not a slight to be taken lightly. Anyone who knows me probably thinks I've flipped my lid. Over the years, a reluctant sense of Houston pride has developed within me. I'm not sure what turned me into a Texas fan. When I moved to Texas six years ago, it was a half-hearted effort at best spurned on by the promise of a good job. Maybe it was the weekly commute to Connecticut. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and so does the generally crappy attitude of the folks I experienced in the North East. After two frozen screwdrivers at Under the Volcano (Bissonnet St.) you could probably sell me on why the Compaq Center would make a great church.



The New Downtown

Downtown Houston is off the chain like a Rottweiler on steroids. It's now alive thanks to the economic boom of the late '90s which brought Minute Maid Park (home of the Houston Astros, formerly Enron Field), the new Light Rail, and the Toyota Center Sports Arena. New businesses, clubs and restaurants seem to thrive in the reinvigorated atmosphere. Now Houstonians can finally live in style, even on the weekends. In the next two to three years, the central business district will be poised to make a run at Dallas for best urban enclave in Texas.

Dive Bar Scene

People seem to be a bit more genuine when you catch them enjoying a Pearl Light in cutoffs instead of trying not to spill a $15 martini on themselves. As much as I like watching beautiful people prance around in their black, wrinkle-free outfits, I'd rather be at a bar. La Carafe and Warren's Inn are both part of the dive bar scene downtown. Warren's presents incredibly strong drinks for very little dinero. La Carafe features early 20th century charm courtesy of its antique location, which is one of the city's oldest buildings. Other highlights include the Texas-shaped table at Kay's Lounge (in Rice Village) and Long Island Iced Teas at Marquis II.

Memorial Park

Think inner Houston has no trees? We consolidated them all to one spot for viewing pleasure. Memorial Park, our Central Park, is situated just south of I-10 inside Loop 610. It features a 2.9-mile running trail, golf course, tennis courts, mountain bike trails and many other ways to work up a sweat and erase the transgressions of a night of partying. Plus, where else but Houston can you run three miles and then step into a burger joint adjacent to the fitness trail?

Raymond's Barbershop

If you have hair like mine (it can't decide if it wants to be a fro or straight), then you know how hard it is to find a decent haircut. Raymond's is the best barbershop in Houston hands down, scoring 11 on a ten-point scale. Metrosexuals be warned. You should not go there expecting a shampoo girl and frappucino. But, for only eight bucks Mr. Raymond or Carl will hook you up with a nice clean cut that is worth every bit of the up-to-an-hour wait. Feel free to use the $10 - $50+ you just saved to get your coffee at Treasures, Houston's largest gentleman's club.

Monday Night BINGO with The El Orbits

This weekly fest features cheap beer and martinis (well before people started buying martinis just to look cool) and prizes that you just can't live without. In just a few minutes I was totally absorbed by Fiona, the BINGO Temptress, and the intoxicating lounge fusion of The El Orbits. Fortunately, I was one of the lucky winners that night taking home a C-3PO toothbrush, Colgate Total and a PEZ dispenser and pocket watch.

The Menil Collection

Houston has plenty to offer in the way of performance art, live music and museums, including the Museum of Fine Arts, the Museum of Natural Science and the Children's Museum. All garner thousands of visitors each year, as well they should. But, the crown jewel of Houston culture is The Menil Collection, which houses the private art collection of John and Dominique de Menil. Tucked away in the Montrose district of Houston, The Menil presents selected works from the 15,000+ item inventory on a rotational basis. The Menil Collection can transform even the most aloof patron into an art aficionado in just a few visits thanks to broad spectrum of tastes accommodated by the antiquities, tribal, medieval and 20th century art that adorn its galleries.

Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo

Look no further than the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo. People watching is the blue ribbon event each Spring. Depravity takes shape every year as hundreds of area teenagers strut their stuff in outfits that bring to mind images of Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver dragging decadence by the cattle trailer. It's entertaining to see the majority of spectators all duded up in their best Wrangler's and überstarched, bulletproofed shirts that could probably stop an artillery round. Even I dust off my old Double H boots for the annual pilgrimage. Urban Cowboy lives on. May we all look as good as Travolta and Winger March 2005.

McGonigel's Mucky Duck

Faced with a choice between going to see Dave at The Woodlands or Bob Schneider at The Mucky Duck? We should all be so lucky. But, The Mucky Duck should win every time. Located just off Highway 59 inside Loop 610, McGonigel's Mucky Duck has presented the best live acoustic performances (both local and nationally renowned) that Houston has ever seen including Junior Brown, Todd Snider, Terry Allen, Reckless Kelly. Not only will sitting three feet away from Bob blow your date away, but also the snazzy, personalized place saver menu will likely impress him/her. Shows tend to sell out quickly, but Standing Room Only seats are typically available the day of the show.

Lupe Tortilla's

So you think the Tex-Mex joint around the corner from your place has the best fajitas ever? Think again. Lupe Tortilla's is the best fajita-ery in Houston, bar none. The sign may say "Ees preety good," but locals know that is a vast understatement. Perfect flank steak and a tangy, sublime marinade combine with a sizzling platter to craft a unique experience right down to the "wafer-thin" tortillas. Be forewarned, an off-the-menu item at this kid friendly restaurant is the long wait for a table. Don't worry, there is a newly expanded bar featuring beer and margaritas to get you through the doldrums.

Baseball at Minute Maid Park

Pundits like Peter Gammons still insist that baseball remains the national pastime. Minute Maid Park is helping to keep it that way. Minute Maid features a uniquely intimate baseball environment by combining some old- timey architecture with 21st century features like the Minute Maid Squeeze Play for kids and a bar in centerfield for adults. The Astrodome remains an icon in baseball history, but the retractable roof and downtown location make the park a great place to catch a ball game. Five dollar seats are typically available on game day, except when Clemens is pitching. So, the next time some replies to your, "I'm from Texas," with, "Ooooo, Austin or Dallas?" Let them know what's up. We have a faster Light Rail than Dallas (66 mph vs. 65 mph) and Austin's rush hour traffic rivals ours. And, yes, there is a strip joint in the strip mall just down the street if they need a party on demand.

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This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.

A Cubs Fan in Houston

Last week, Houston became a hub for baseball as the game's big leaguers hit town for the Major League All-Star Game. Local sport fanatics transformed from Astros fans to fans of The Game, at least for the week's festivities. In fact, Houston baseball fans were so generous they refrained from boos even after Miguel Tejada beat Lance Berkman in the Home Run Derby.

So with that in mind, I can think of no better time to confess that I am a Chicago Cubs fan. Houston, calm down. I realize that it doesn't make sense, but allow me to explain.

It was the early 1980s and I was just discovering professional baseball. My best friend, Clay, was a fan of Nolan Ryan and thus an Houston Astros fan. I didn't know who Nolan Ryan was much less who he played for. All I knew was the Astros were in Texas along with the Dallas Cowboys, the regional rivals of my New Orleans Saints.

Those Astros were evil since they were based in the same state as the Cowboys. Only later would I realize that Dallas in general was the root of all evil, not the whole state of Texas. However, it would be too late to salvage that 'Stros fandom.

Shortly after explaining to Clay that the Astros were evil by mere association, cable television arrived in Baton Rouge--and I was saved! Not only did this latch key kid now have thirteen channels of broadcasts to explore, but I discovered 'da Cubs.

Let's flashback, Wayne's World style.

I convinced my mom to let me stay home instead of KinderCare imprisoned with the rest of those elementary school refugees. "Don't leave the house," and "Keep this door locked until I get home," my mom warned.

What was I supposed to do?

Watch the superstations: ChiPs on WTBS,then flip to the Cubs on WGN.

I watched the Braves on WTBS, but that didn't work for me. Everything on WTBS started at five after the hour. Ted Turner is such a genius. Although I'm uncertain whether the five after rule was a better idea than marrying Jane Fonda.

Besides that five minute debacle, the Cubs had the late, great Harry Caray on the mic. Those Braves never had a chance. Harry Caray and the Cubs of the mid-80s were easy to like. The banter between Caray and his partner, Steve Stone, was classic. Show me a person that didn't think Harry Caray's "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" was entertaining. I'll show you someone that should visit McCarthy's Committee on Un-American Activities.

Those days were much better than today's carousel of no-talent yahoos cycling through the Press Box during the seventh inning stretch. Sure, Caray was very entertaining, but the Cubs of the early 80's weren't half bad either. They won the division in 1984. The line-up was formidable: Leon Durham, Ron Cey, Jody Davis, Andre Dawson, Shawon Dunston and Ryne Sandberg, the original #23 from Chicago.

That was back in the 80s. You were living in Louisiana and didn't know any better. Why aren't you an Astros fan now after having lived here for six years?

Great question. I'm not really sure.

Maybe it is because I like being a pain in the butt, which my mom will substantiate. I tried being an Astros fan during spring training. But, who can give up on twenty-two years of being a Cubs fan just like that?

I'd fight my fleeting allegiance to the Houston Astros by renewing my vows to Ernie Banks and the Cubs with a trip to Wrigley Field. I even bought a new Cubs hat.

When my roommate, Bartley, converted to the Astros in 1999, I told him that I liked the Astros. They're the home town team, and they're not half bad--if you don't count getting swept by the Cubs during their four game home stand.

The Astros are a star-laden (Biggio, Bagwell, Berkman, Clemens, Pettite, Beltran) franchise with potential to stay ahead of the Pittsburg Pirates. Even my Chicago friends agree that the Astros are a great team. My buddy, Mr. T (not the A-Team guy),who lives in a building behind Wrigley Field, said he cheers for the Astros whenever they weren't playing the Cubs. That's my stance too.

That is if it is not during Wild Card time.

I will be a Cubs fan forever or at least until I am the Mayor of Houston or I buy the Astros. Now if the Cubs or the Astros could just beat the St. Louis Cardinals all would be right in the world.

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This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.