Resolutions for Procrastinators

My turkey coma is wearing off just enough so that I noticed how fast this New Year is going and my traditional time for reflections and resolutions is long gone. I took my two minutes of annual reflection and realized that many of you may be in this similar situation. Here's a list of resolutions that you should feel free to peruse and pick one or more for yourself.

Go Camping!
Go camping in one of the 100 + state and/or 14 national parks in Texas. Cube dwelling sucks the soul out of you more quickly than you realize. You think you know. But, you don't know. Some quality time with Mother Nature will recharge your core. There is nothing like roughing it for a few days to increase your appreciation of the little things, like sand free toilet paper. Click here for more info!

Walk Around Your Town
Many Texans, particularly Houstonians, spend countless hours in their cars speeding to work and speeding home from work. The only walking that is done is between the car, home, and office. Try walking instead of driving next time you need to get a pint of ice cream and a pack of cigarettes from the nearby Stop 'N Rob a.k.a corner store. Who knows what you will encounter or discover along the way? Maybe you will get a glance at your feet for the first time in a long while.

Become Well-Read, Join a Book Club
My first assignment as an LSU freshman in Introduction to Fiction was to discuss our favorite literary work with the other folks in our groups. "What do you think of Atticus as a single parent?" "Do you think that Orwell's pigs could make chocolate souffle?" I had not read one of the books the others had during high school. I'm talking about the staple classics: To Kill a Mockingbird, Fahrenheit 451, Animal Farm, etc. Once I graduated and had time for leisure reading, I instituted the Jason Bargas Literary Program consisting of all the classics that I missed during high school. I recommend that you do the same; check the internet for good suggestions. Soon you will be almost as well-read as Edmund Dantes.

Debunk the " Insert Town of Your Choice Here Sucks!" Theory
The key to success when debunking any theory is to work with an expert in the field, i.e. a knowledgeable local. Locals really can not be considered knowledgeable if they have lived there for less than six months or have not lived there in ten years. My personal quest will be to discover if I can find someone not wearing one piece of black clothing during a trip to Deep Ellum.

Support Local Businesses
Don't get me wrong. I am guilty of spending an inordinate amount of time in the nearby Super Center. I can not explain the euphoria. I think it is due to the idea that I can buy 3-and-1 oil and gauze pads in the same place. However, I feel that it is my duty to support the locals. For example, I buy my magazines from the local guy down the street. I try to avoid chain restaurants except for Pei Wei and local chains like Barnaby's. You get the idea.

See More Local Music
Take off your headphones and step away from your Ashlee Simpson-blaring-iPod. Now scold yourself for having bad taste in music. Pick up a copy of the local free paper and scan the upcoming shows. You may be surprised at what you find. Pay attention for can't miss Texas artists like Terry Allen, Todd Snider (he used to live in Austin), The Diamond Smugglers and Jug O' Lightning.

Learn Spanish--ay, Español
Life in Texas, and many other places in these United States, will only get easier once you master the language. Not only will your new language serve you well, but you will also cease to be a monolingual gringo.



Watch Fandango
Get some buddies together at your place and check out this little piece of cinematic Americana. Marvel at Kevin Costner's mostly full head of hair. Dream of your post-graduation glory days. Now, shake off the onset of depression by road tripping across Texas. Don't forget Dom since he's not out there waiting for you. Feel free to skip the skydiving.




Smile more!






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This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.

H-Town Vintage* 2004

"New" Dive Bar

Rose Garden
This little gem is situated in the Heights near the Farmer's Market on Airline. Service is king with proprietor/bartender Rose Marie slinging the suds, and it's replete with Elvis decor. It's been around forever, but I didn't start going there 'til this year so it qualifies as new. It's a combination certain to evoke memories of the town home-conquered Aquarium Lounge.

Runner-up
Shady Tavern
There's cheap beer in the cooler, good tunes on the jukebox and characters at the bar.

Place to Buy CDs and Vans

Soundwaves
The newly remodeled business is reopened in its original location on Montrose. Soundwaves tops the charts for its extensive offering of music ranging from classics to club tunes to The Cult. Plus, the staff does not exhibit a holier-than-thou attitude like the nerds at Championship Vinyl.

Place to Get Heckled for Being a Cubs Fan

Minute Maid Park
I love this ballpark. It's not Wrigley, but I'm also not freezing my begonias off full-time either. Fill up on food before you get there or you may need to take out a mortgage to foot the bill. Save room for one game dog, nachos and beer.

Runner-up
Raymond's Barbershop
Carl might shave a C in the back of your head for being a Cubs Fan, but he'll cut you some slack if you tip.

Bike Shop

West End Cycles
The technicians at West End have been providing advice to the avid and not-so-advanced cyclists for years. Prices for bike and service are reasonable, but more importantly, the staff knows their shit.

Late Night Eats

La Tapatia
The once dumpy looking taqueria is now glowing with style follow a recent renovation project. Don't let the polished exterior dissuade you from entering. Inside you will the best guacamole in town and scores of partiers trying to sober up for the drive home. Order the Quesadilla Tapatia; tell them I sent you.

Idea

Westpark Toll Road
The idea was in place a while back, but it opened this year, so it counts. Thanks to the EZ-Tag only WTR we can now commute from downtown to Highway 6 in about 15-20 minutes depending on how many slow drivers are in the way. It's the Highway 6 to wherever commute that takes forever. Can we put in a Highway 6 toll road?

Apartments

The Bartlett House
Residents of The Bartlett House stomach the wrath grumpy neighbors and accurate birds, however, the benefits greatly outweigh the grumps at this small apartment building situated between Broad Oaks and West University. Cheap rent. Check. Cool co-residents. Check. Great location. CHECK.

NON-HOUSTON RELATED CATEGORIES

Hotel to Oversleep for Your Flight

THEHotel, Las Vegas
This hotel is part of the Mirage complex and boasts the best room service cheeseburger in Vega$, which will arrive so quickly you'll have barely picked yourself up off the floor after attempting take off your pants while your shoes were still on. Do not count on your friends to wake you up in time for your flight. They'll be oversleeping, too.

Festival

Lebowski Fest, Louisville, KY
Not quite Trekkies, but they're fanatics none the less. Think of it as a "gateway" festival. The flagship event for fans of The Big Lebowski occurs annually during the summers in Kentucky at the Executive West Hotel, which is conveniently located across the street from a bowling alley. Attendees may enjoy discounted white Russians around the swimming pool where passed out nihilists pollute the water.

Movie I Saw Last Week

I Heart Huckabees
Director David O. Russell delivers a thought provoking comedy that lingers on your brain. Marky-Mark Wahlberg delivers a superb performance as an anti-petroleum activist/fire fighter searching for direction opposite leading man Jason Schwartzman's Albert Markovski. The pair team up to gain existential guidance from Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman. Jude Law and the caliente Naomi Watts complete the ensemble cast.

* The BackWord encourages you to leave words like "vintage" and other MTV buzzwords at the curb. Our gentle readers should re-introduce "vintage" terms like "original" or "real McCoy" or "antique" to their daily lexicon.

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This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.

I'm Tough and Stuff

In case you weren't aware, September was National Preparedness Month. People in Florida have this ironed out after Charley, Francis, Ivan, and Jeanne paid them visits this summer. But what does "preparedness" mean? We're Texans. We don't need no steenkeeng preparedness. We're tough and stuff... or so I thought until Allison decided to flood the Houston a couple of years ago. Plus, she did it last September. Everyone knows floods should occur early in the week so that we don't have to work and can still get paid.

Rather than discuss what we should do to be prepared for a terrorist attack or a category five hurricane, it is much more enjoyable to talk about things you should know prior to taking your late summer vacation to strange, foreign lands.

Let's do this in the "framework" laid out for us by the U.S. General Services Administration, which consists of three basic steps:

1. Make a Plan
2. Get a Kit
3. Be Informed

As is the case with many governmental processes, the steps are backward. How can you make a plan if you're not informed? We'll get to that in second.

Be Informed

My plan usually consists of not having a plan and free styling as things happen. Unfortunately, it is typically not very effective as my parents will tell you. Discovering what you don't know before you arrive comes into play.

Free styling a plan is cool until you're stuck in a hotel bar eating a crappy sandwich while watching WWE on mute with Celine Dion blasting in the background, which is what happens on business trips to Mississauga, Ontario de Canadia.

Picture a cool Euro-looking town complete with low pollution, funny money and interesting food. Now blend that vision with an image of Deer Park circa Urban Cowboy. Oh, and do not forget that your hotel is connected to your office, i.e. tu es sans voiture.

Had I only known these details prior to departing George Bush Intercontinental Airport, I could have executed Step 2 in the GSA Preparedness list: Get a Kit.

Get a Kit

No matter how Tough and Stuff you are, a good kit is a key ingredient to surviving outside of Texas or even some places in it. No matter how misinformed or ignorant you are a good kit (not a uniform for the Brits) can bail you out of any situation, just ask MacGyver.

According to the GSA web-site, our kit is supposed to consist of, among other items, all things battery powered, extra batteries, duct tape and plastic sheeting.

NOTE: you may want to include baby oil to get the duct tape adhesive off your skin. Don't ask. Let's just say I saw it on the Discovery Channel. Thank me later.

Since most Texans I know already have this stuff in their toiletries kit, I encourage you to develop your own Not in Texas Survival Kit (NTSK). Using the Mississauga situation as "basis for comparison" (buzzword), let's "drill down" (buzzword) to the core elements of a NTSK.

Hot Sauce of Choice

Canadian bacon is about as haute as cuisine gets at the Mississauga Novotel (the Motel 6 of Canada). My jerked chicken wrap was as big as an adolescent enchilada and tasted like it had been jerked from the side of the interstate. It needed some pep. I was jonesing for some Cholula in a bad way. You should definitely bring your own hot sauce.

Booze (or beverage of choice)

I'm not an alcoholic, but I played one on stage once. However, that said, I do enjoy kicking back with a cocktail after a long day at the office. So, I ordered a Jack on the rocks. What I got tasted more like a watery Jack snow cone. I could have easily averted the situation with a quick trip to the duty free shop. Coke drinkers should heed the bring your own advice as well. Canada (and other countries for that matter) have their own formula of Coke. Let's just say, "Not a big fan." Lesson #2: B.Y.O.B.

Music

If you were paying attention earlier, this entry needs no explanation. Celine Dion during dinner? Celine Dion during wrestling? Celine Dion during anything? I need to send the YouHaveBadTasteInMusic.com guy up there. I suggested that the barmaid use my iPod to save those us from Celine, but she was not digging Lyle Lovett, The Scabs, Bob Schneider, The El Orbits, Pat Green or any other Texas type musicians I suggested. Kit part #3: music

There you have the three key ingredients for survival outside of your natural habitat. You may also want to include something regional. For example, if you are from Alpine, you'll definitely to bring your own goatheads and prickly pears.

Make a Plan

We don't need no steenkeeng plan. We've got a kit.

Post Script: You may also want to add extra alarm clocks to the kit so you don't end up stranded in Lost Wages after oversleeping and missing your plane... like me.

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This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.