Top 10 Things You Need to Know Before Attempting to Boil 500# of Crawfish

You'll need this, originally uploaded by JaseMan.

10. The right venue is key. And, by right venue I mean some place where the beer flows like wine and the owner, manager and staff are supremely laid back yet organized.

9. Estimate 3 pounds of crawfish per person if you're boiling in Houston. You may think it's too conservative, but you don't want to be staring at a shit ton of leftovers at the end of the night.

8. Have the crawfish supplier deliver your bugs directly to the venue. There's a reason that the detail shop doesn't offer "Live Crawfish" scent for your interior.

7. Be prepared for anything not in your immediate control to become a disaster. For example, your crawfish may arrive two-and-a-half hours before you're ready so have a pran - like eyeballing a shady spot outside of the venue for emergency stashing of the critters.

6. Pack a suitcase the night before the event and put it in your trunk so you don't forget it. You should include three changes of clothes and some smell good juice to mask the fact that you're going to smell like a seafood market

5. Plan to have at least three crawfish boiling rigs available so that you're not busting your ass for more than three hours. Beg. Borrow (thanks, Randy). Buy...from BoilCrawfish.com (thanks, Andrew).

4. Error on the side of buying too many veggies, seasoning and what not. You can always use it later.

3. Three propane tanks is enough. And, no you can not return the extras for a refund...unless the nice lady at the Lowe's return desk thinks you're sexy...or something.

2. Have a kickass team of helpers committed to making your berle a success. The Houstonist staff kicked ase at getting things done and managing the masses.

1. Remain calm. All is well.

It's Quittin' Time

I'm looking for a new job in a major way, people. And by "major way," I mean that I have updated my resume and applied for five yobs over the past couple of weeks.

Don't ask me why or I may punch you in the face. Not really, but kinda. Have you read this blog or talked to me much? I bitch a lot about work. I know this.

I'm finally ready to through in the towel at McCall, Gilchrist & Haynes. I'm realigned with my original career coach. I've been back on the road for nearly a year, which means that I am more certain than ever that I'm sick of it - no matter how many free trips I earn. And, I just eclipsed the ten year mark with MG&H.

Guess what I get for that. Guess! Guess! I'll give you ten guesses and you probably still won't get it.

Finished? You'd better sit down. Drum roll, please.

I get a fruit basket. Yep, a fruit basket with genuine pears and oranges and stuff. Hell no I'm not disappointed. It is from Harry & David after all. I will say that I wish they would have sprung for the Jelly of the Month Club.

Assholes.

Yelp Review of the Day

I signed up for Yelp - like I needed to join another social networking site. The difference is that Yelp's content consists of local business reviews written by members. Today my review of my dentist was selected by the review of the day. Here's a snippet:

Dr. Stephen Vaughn at Contemporary Dental ROCKS my teeth off. I actually look forward to going to the dentist now and it's not just because the hygienist, Julia, is hot.

Check out Yelp in Houston, New Orleans & Austin.

It's your thang. Do whatchoo wanna do.

Holiday time typically makes me want to jump in front of a bus or listen to Yani. Most of the time I opt for Yani because the consequences are less permanent, but this year the bus jump seems appealing.

It's not that I don't like the time off from work. I do. I REALLY do. My family stresses me out. More accurately, I stress myself out thinking about what my family is thinking about if they are not surrounding me every second of every day during said holiday period. Anybody got some Valium?

Here's the deal. Like many folks in my generation (yikes that makes me feel old), my parents are divorced. Fortunately, each side of the family still loves me and wants to see me. Unfortunately, holiday happenings (like Thanksgiving) typically occur during the same period of the day. For example, Thanksgiving dinner usually cranks up between 11:30 and 1.

Welcome to the holiday shuffle. You need to arrive at the first location at least twenty minutes early so that you can schmooze as much as possible. Only serve yourself tablespoon sized portions so that you can taste everything but will remain hungry still have room for food at subsequent destinations. Depart Destination #1 as soon as someone gets up to serve themselves another portion of anything. Arrive at Destination #2 and repeat above steps while limiting yourself to a 30 to 60 minute window of visiting before heading off to a subsequent destination.

Sounds like a whole shit ton of fun, no? During college I "had to make" FOUR stops on Thanksgiving. Stoopid.

Many of my friends are married now, some with children, which means that they have gained some sort of secret power that allows them to say no to their families without the guilt trip or constant torment. What the?

I'm grown up, too. I am over 30 and have a mortgage. Just because I'm not married con kids doesn't mean I should be trapped into mandatory family visits on the holidays. Perhaps their families are just cooler? Maybe they're not Catholic so they don't have the built in guilt machine?

Sara and I were talking about this the other day. She's got the same issue. We've decided that the best course of action may be to be holiday dates for each other.

Sorry, I can't make it home for the holidays. I'm going to Sara's.

Sorry, I can't make it home for the holidays. I'm going to JB's.

Instead, we head for Fiji, which would be great because then I'd get to stare at her boobs in her bathing suit. She's got great boobs.

Please don't misunderstand me. I love my family. No, really. No, really. I don't always like them, but I love them and like hanging out with them. But, I don't like having my time off from work mapped out without any sense of freedom.

This year is different. I put my foot down. I'm doing my own thing for Thanksgiving. It was easier than I thought. I blamed it on Los Pedros. Not really, but slightly. I accepted their generous offer to explore the wilderness of Vermont for Turkey Day. I didn't even have to get married.

Bad Habits Die Hard

so which ones are lying?
Originally uploaded by xgray

Read the following:

"When Burger broke up with Carrie on a Post-It note, I knew it couldn't be a good sign. Boy meets girl. Boy has seemingly good time with girl. Boy loses ability to operate cell phone or e-mail.

I'm kidding a little, but for your future reference, most women (me included) appreciate and respect knowing the straight-up truth."

It's been four years since I got that email. The thing just happened again but without the email. Clearly I have not yet figured out how to talk to women. Go figure.

I'm good at small talk.

I'm good at hanging out.

I'm good at meeting your friends.

So, why can't I figure out how to work my mouth when it counts?

WHAT THE FUCK?

Free Advice: Deciphering the Friend Zone

While we were in Talladega, The Mic discussed the concept of wandering around in a t-shirt that said "Free Advice" as a way to meet folks and start conversations. Recently a FriendGirl asked me via IM to decipher the Friend Zone. I decided to share the transcript in hopes that it spurns folks, yours truly included, into action so that they're "expressing with their full capabilities."

FG: do you subscribe to the notion that if a guy hangs around a girl but doesn't ask her out, he's really not into her? this is on behalf of a friend. seriously.
JB: yes, or he is:
1. scared to F up any relationship
2. intimidated
because
some folks aren't mature enough to get asked out, say no and put it behind them
FG: that is true.
JB: i've done it (been the asker and askee)
FG: but then giving in and fooling around and then NOT dating/saying wants to be single is SURE to screw up the friendship
JB: twice with success
and many with discomfort
FG: Yeah.
I hear you.
JB: yeah. i agree. if you're going to do it, then you need to go in with 'this isn't a one nighter' mentality
unless both parties agree, which is rare, but that's happened to me too
yippee
i feel like Dr. Phil.
get your friend to listen to Thin Line by J5
FG: I appreciate it. : )
But the "intimidated" word - I HATE that.
JB: yeah. you should just ask the guy out
FG: What?!
But we are not talking about me.
Dude.
JB: sorry
friend
FG: Actually, I really was talking about a friend on the hookup part.
But I have been faced with similar situs.
Non-hooking up situs.
JB: 10-4.
it's common, i think.
and natural
FG: I am such a girl though, I can't hook up without getting all attached.
JB: who doesn't want to get involved with a friend
as in you're not going to date someone you don't like/can't relate to/can't be friends with
FG: Well, I hope not - you would be surprised however by the number of my guy friends who don't seem to be overly concerned about that.
If she's hot LOL.
JB: did we already talk about "Coffee Shop Analysis"?
FG: Eh
no
JB: KO. I really need to draw this up in power point.
it's currently on a xerox of a napkin
short story: debbie (close friend girl) and I were in CS (union square) and had a big discussion about attraction after i commented that the waitress was hot
this waitress was not one of the wannabe supermodel waif types
was a real girl from TN trying to be an actress
FG: oh man
JB: it's pretty interesting
FG: i am sure
i hate the friend zone.
JB: basically a sliding scale of about 8-10 qualities
friend zone sucks
but it's tough to escape
FG: i know. once you are in it's like death to get out
JB: i've only pulled the trigger on asking about a friend twice
once worked out well and turned into a decent relationship
then failed
but we're still close
FG: that is good!
JB: and it's not awkward
FG: that's awesome.
JB: the other time
crashed and burned
But, we're still friends
FG: ouffff
JB: i chickened out the thousand other times
FG: Yeah, I know.
At the end, you just think, well, it's always good to have good friends.
JB: yeah. i agree.
FG: Why is it so hard?!?
JB: but, i also don't want to be the next Tony Randall
FG: Heh heh.
You are telling me - all the guys who do actually ask me out are like 12.
JB: it's tough because when you have the guts, you're (aka I) am typically slightly tipsy
and when you ask some out or make some overture at that point, then the girl usually thinks
FG: Oh, he's drunk
JB: "he just wants to get in my jeans"
FG: Exactly.
JB: when he (I) am thinking, "wow. she's smart, funny & good looking. And, we get along well. I should ask her out."
"I'll ask her when we're tipsy so that I can 'joke' it away if it bombs"
FG: sometimes things only happen when both are drunk.
JB: i really need to make a shirt that says "Free Advice"
FG: But whenever I've done that, it very rarely turns into actual "dating"
Yes. : )
JB: i think the key is to DTR up front
FG: DTR?
JB: but sometimes an early DTR can scare the shit out of all parties
define the relationship
FG: OH!
I so hear you on that.
JB: for example,
FG: It's like, how do you say to someone, hey, I could actually really consider you being a serious contender in the whole long term thing, to show them you are serious.
JB: just a sec
i met a girl just after i moved to austin
SUPER COOL
we hung out a lot
had a great time
met for a happy hour or two
FG: ?
and
JB: she then told me she had a boyfriend
after we went on more of a date
i was pissed, but she was cool
so we were friends
then about six months later
FG: Oh no!
JB: they broek up
and then we hooked up during a drunk moment
at the same also discussed that we'd like be better as friends
then hooked up one more time just to be sure
FG: that's pretty funny
well, you have to make sure
JB: then have been friends ever since
FG: wow. jason i think you are WAY more mature than me.
JB: so that's the way the drunk thing happens
and works out
i put on a good front
FG: I guess. I also think you are much better than I am at not letting your ego get the best of you.
I take everything very personally.
Not my best feature.
JB: yeah. i do, too. but i suck it up
and step back
and have some bourbon
and then try to be objective
and realize that you can't force anything with relationships
because if you do, there will likely be bigger issues if the whole thing doesn't just fall apart
FG: No, it's true.
JB: FYI,
this may become a blog entry
FG: oh god
JB: no names mentioned
don't worry
i can keep a secret better than a dead guy
FG: hee hee
JB: the moral of the story is:
FG: Yes?
JB: ask me out already, cuz i think you're stellar
and your butt looks great in those jeans

Airplane Farts Don't Stink and Other Travel Myths Dispelled

It was once reported by one of my close friends, and fellow business travelers, that it is possible to fart on an airplane and not have the smell creep into your neighbors' nostrils due to the pressured cabin and the flotation device characteristics of your seat cushion. Just because it floats does not mean that it's a cork. So stifle your urges, Sparky. I'm here to tell you, brothers and sisters, that I can smell your farts. That is theory is officially crap. Not unlike the substance that is most certainly occupying the underpants of one of the eight passengers currently surrounding me.

Next, having a baby on the plane does not entitle you to anything except boarding early. And if you want to do that, you'd better be ready for the call because your compadres won't be too keen to let you cut in line later. Yes, I (we) understand that little Jimmy is cute as button, but corale that hellion and get on the plane. Please note that seatbacks and tray tables must be in the upright and fully locked position for take-off and landing and are not engineered to be a junglegym. So get your kid off of mine and strap her into the seat because she's about to get a beat down. You may want to feed him some Nyquil while you're at it because we have no tolerance for crying. In fact, a crying child on an airplane ranks right up there with nails on a chalkboard for all time annoying sound.

Just because employees at the airline ticket counter, hotels, car rental counters and restaurants are in the service industry does not mean that you can treat them like servants. If you believe that, as one colleague does, you're a moron. These are the people that can transform your into a life "Groundhog Day"-like Hell. My colleague still has no idea that the mysterious mid-week check-outs and handicapped bathrooms were a direct result of her bitchy attitude toward the hotel staff.

One last note on air travel. We, like your wife - or husband for that matter, do not think your snoring is endearing so cut it out. If you are prone to snoring, please bring a dozen of those little foam earplugs for those sitting around you, pass them out, then buy everyone a drink. This greatly improves the chances of them not putting an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your fly-trap mouth, but don't quote me on that.

Oops, I lied. Here's another airplane tip that the flight attendant just brought to my attention. No matter your opinion, your suitcase, like your ass, is bigger than you think. Please, please, please carry your bag in your hand. That is why it has handles. Don't use the shoulder strap for it's intended purpose. Because I guarantee that the repercussions of the unintended purpose of smacking someone in the head won't be fun for you or the smackee. Also, please don't try to roll your suitcase up the aisle like the flight attendant just did. I know it's called a roll-a-board, but you're going to roll over tootsies. My tootsies are not particularly fond of being used as aisle-path speedbumps.

And another thing, the book, magazine or newspaper that I'm reading should signal to you that I am not in the mood to talk. Don't read over my shoulder either. The other people next to you and I can feel your look. We don't like it. And we are liable to spill our coffee in your lap.