Airplane Farts Don't Stink and Other Travel Myths Dispelled

It was once reported by one of my close friends, and fellow business travelers, that it is possible to fart on an airplane and not have the smell creep into your neighbors' nostrils due to the pressured cabin and the flotation device characteristics of your seat cushion. Just because it floats does not mean that it's a cork. So stifle your urges, Sparky. I'm here to tell you, brothers and sisters, that I can smell your farts. That is theory is officially crap. Not unlike the substance that is most certainly occupying the underpants of one of the eight passengers currently surrounding me.

Next, having a baby on the plane does not entitle you to anything except boarding early. And if you want to do that, you'd better be ready for the call because your compadres won't be too keen to let you cut in line later. Yes, I (we) understand that little Jimmy is cute as button, but corale that hellion and get on the plane. Please note that seatbacks and tray tables must be in the upright and fully locked position for take-off and landing and are not engineered to be a junglegym. So get your kid off of mine and strap her into the seat because she's about to get a beat down. You may want to feed him some Nyquil while you're at it because we have no tolerance for crying. In fact, a crying child on an airplane ranks right up there with nails on a chalkboard for all time annoying sound.

Just because employees at the airline ticket counter, hotels, car rental counters and restaurants are in the service industry does not mean that you can treat them like servants. If you believe that, as one colleague does, you're a moron. These are the people that can transform your into a life "Groundhog Day"-like Hell. My colleague still has no idea that the mysterious mid-week check-outs and handicapped bathrooms were a direct result of her bitchy attitude toward the hotel staff.

One last note on air travel. We, like your wife - or husband for that matter, do not think your snoring is endearing so cut it out. If you are prone to snoring, please bring a dozen of those little foam earplugs for those sitting around you, pass them out, then buy everyone a drink. This greatly improves the chances of them not putting an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your fly-trap mouth, but don't quote me on that.

Oops, I lied. Here's another airplane tip that the flight attendant just brought to my attention. No matter your opinion, your suitcase, like your ass, is bigger than you think. Please, please, please carry your bag in your hand. That is why it has handles. Don't use the shoulder strap for it's intended purpose. Because I guarantee that the repercussions of the unintended purpose of smacking someone in the head won't be fun for you or the smackee. Also, please don't try to roll your suitcase up the aisle like the flight attendant just did. I know it's called a roll-a-board, but you're going to roll over tootsies. My tootsies are not particularly fond of being used as aisle-path speedbumps.

And another thing, the book, magazine or newspaper that I'm reading should signal to you that I am not in the mood to talk. Don't read over my shoulder either. The other people next to you and I can feel your look. We don't like it. And we are liable to spill our coffee in your lap.