Top Ten Things You Should Know Right Now

10. Six days in Vega$ is about three too many.
9. I am flying out to New Orleans for Mickey & Beth's wedding tomorrow which completes my trifecta of weddings for March.
8. I just got back from the ankle doctor who told me that I have a split tendon, scar tissue and ligament damage in my right ankle from too many years of being an amateur stunt man.
7. My breakfast is almost finished cooking.
6. I am now a New Orleans Saints season ticket holder.
5. Surgery is scary. Four months of rehab is scarier.
4. I can hold my breath for a whole minute.
3. I won 15 bucks at poker last night.
2. The good news about ankle surgery and rehab is that it clears up the decision about staying in Austin or not.
1. My buddies, Todd & Lisa, had their baby; her name is Kalle, and she weighed 7lbs 13oz. Oh, she likes me so much she went to sleep when I held her.

Death Comes Ripping

Flesh and blood
Too weak for you
Death comes ripping

- Misfits, Death Comes Ripping

Death is a toxic event that disintegrates your world like a depth charge exploding in the shallow puddle of life's liquid. The topic for me has become inescapable due to recent passings of friends and relatives.

As children, humans are fearless and believe themselves indestructible; I did. Perhaps my friends and I are an anomaly, but during our youth we survived being shot with flare guns and rifles, countless go-cart and bmx stunts, jumping off of rooftops, falling out of tree forts and other boyhood type events. Fortunate youths will cruise through many years of carefree existence without receiving negative biopsy results or tragedy laden phone calls from relatives in early morning or experiencing the death of a loved one save for the occasional pet. There will be no regret of feuds not reconciled or not finding time for one last phone call in time to say goodbye.

Adulthood changes things with its subtleties like moving away for jobs, marriage and more grown-up priorities. Garden State-type situations crop up and force us to take stock of our current state if just for a moment. What's our legacy to be? Are our lives going in the right direction? How can we be certain of anything?

Eventually days grow into weeks, months and years. Enough time passes and life begins to regain some form of normalcy, but the footprint of one's existence, life's puddle, is never the same. Some elements of life have been vaporized. They are gone forever and live on only in memories until time steals those away too. Indestructibility wains and mortality approaches with each birthday.

I have come to learn that life is a viscious cycle of trading one's mortality for new experiences that create bonds with others and become memories themselves. Ideally the key is to enjoy each second as it ticks by and revel in the outcome. The hard part is achieving the ideal.

Once, When I Was Young

HoDawg Sardines
Originally uploaded by JaseMan.

Most of my friends are getting married or having kids these days. My little brothers are entering their middle twenties, but I had never felt as old as when the UGA HoDawgs ultimate team came to Austin for the Centex College tournament.

It's not the age of the young women staying at my house making feel wrinkled and crusty; it's the age of my memories.

I still remember road trips to tournaments like they happened last week. Long gone are the days of watching VHS tapes on a 13" TV hotwired to the lighter socket of Malone’s Bronco2, sleeping 12 to a room at Motel6 because we could and using an empty Fuddrucker's fry basket to make a salad from veggie and condiment bar.

After 15 years of mental sediment, these and other fragments of realities past bounce around my misshapen head like a ping pong ball in a laundromat dryer. Thanks for putting another quarter in the dryer, ladies. I just hope the dryer still works in another 15 years.

Top Ten Reasons That I'm Having a Bad Day

I know that these are all bullshit reasons for having a bad day compared to more serious situations that exist such as running out of Charmin in the midst of a download, worrying about the war in Iraq, being Katrina-ed out of your home, migraines, missing the bus, getting pigeoned, having a blow-out or any of the other infinite circumstances that would lead to one entering a state of pissedivity. But, like Einstein said, "Everything's relative, man."

10. The Soprano's sucked on Sunday, and I can't get passed it.
9. My Vans are falling apart.
8. The weather sucks.
7. I missed a poker game last night.
6. I'm not Batman and will never be Batman.
5. The neighbor's coffee pot is empty.
4. I can't figure out where I want to live - Austin, Houston or New Orleans; and no, I don't want your opinion just yet.
3. The barber interpreted, "Just a little off the sides" as "High and tight."
2. Stupid people with no frame of reference or practical experience keep trying to tell me how to do my job.
1. I have yet to receive confirmation that my whiney bitch state of being is an affliction that will go away in less than 12 hours.

Eight No Brainers That I Was Asked Recently

8. Would you like to be upgraded to First Class?
7. High Life or Bud Light?
6. Do you really plan on watching movies all day?
5. Would your drunk ass like to dance on stage while I karaoke this song?
4. Should we watch Kung Fu Shuffle or The English Patient?
3. Did you have a good time at Mardi Gras?
2. Sir, are you sure you wanna double-down on a hard 13?
1. Can [18 college ladies] stay at your place in two weeks?

This Just In

There are more hookers than poker chips in my hotel. I know I'm sexy,
but someone, anyone, please make them go away.

Whatever Happened to Larry Williams?

A hundred years ago in the mid 1990's, Larry Williams jumped out of my TV screen and gave me directions to the Motel 6 in Longview, Texas. "You drivin' ova da bridge. You drivin' ova da bridge. You drivin' ova da bridge. BAM! Right turn on green."

I have often thought that I'd seen Larry a time or two here in Austin as I was cavorting around the downtown area. But, I couldn't be sure it was him and was a bit too timid to ask. If you've not been privy to the Larry Williams experience, you are missing out.

Larry Williams is a reality TV original captured on video tape by two guys on a cross-country roadtrip who end up lost in Longview, which is much more glamorous than Yonkers. Acting outside of stereotype, these two guys in a conversion van stop to ask a local resident for directions.

Larry offers a ten minute monologue, regarding their three minute trip, that includes directions, access to drugs and hoes and his qualifications to star in an adult film. I can't remember much of the bullshit that Larry spouts off other than his starting most sentences with, "Bam!" (your welcome, Emeril) and his declaration claiming possession of a gold member.

I'm not sure where you are today, Larry. But, I miss you. You're an inspirational sumbitch. Bam! Right turn on green.