20061031
In the Home Stretch
The closing process, so called because you are slamming the door on true adolescence and ultra carefree spending (at least til my trophy wife, a.k.a. rich lady who wants an eye-candy, stay home father for our ultimate team comes along), was really not that big a deal. Signing my name 71 times on multiple copies of the same forms, some in Spanish, did take a toll on me. Although at this point, the Escrow Officer could have told me that she needed me to get her name tattooed on my back and I would have done it.
On second thought, winning a damages suit for the carpal tunnel syndrome that I'm sure to develop would help pay for my new kitchen. Anyone got Morris Bart's number handy?
20061030
Kelly Clarkson Signals Anxiety
Whoa Kelly Clarkson!
Time managment pundits on the InterWeb write about focusing on the quick wins and recent accomplishments to help you stay focused. Well, I've accomplished exactly five things on a to-do list featuring 62 items.
I'd try to get back on target, but my gCal reminder just sounded indicating it's time for
20061025
20061024
I finally understand you, Courter....sort of
I was in Chicago on a business trip earlier this summer and stopped in at The Arch to visit with Boc and Courter, Hetero Life Partners, since I hadn't seen them in a while. Courter was in freak out mode concerning some mythical process called "closing."
Apparently this ritual is the final step in the home buying process and is very involved. In short, a "closing" is a meeting with lots of people whose titles include the word Officer. Fortunately, in this case you don't go to jail right away only after you burn down your house when you're about to default on your loan.
These officers insist that you produce all sorts of documentation which is about as fun as it sounds. You've got to make yourself comfortable with the fact that all these strangers will see the dirty laundry listed on your bank statements, pay stubs, credit reports, criminal records and even those notes from Mrs. Alario's second grade class that you have stuffed in the back of your sock drawer. It helps if you focus on the fact that you won't have to move again for a long
while once this "closing" is closed.
To drive home the fact that you're officially stepping all the way into the grown-up zone, you've got to sign your name and/or initials at least 135 times according to an independent third party named Alfie. Finally, the Officers get you to sign over all of your High Life fund in the form of some fat checks. Many of these checks are to pre-pay expenses for the upcoming year. I can't believe that they don't trust you to pay your bills even though they now know how your
income history since you started receiving allowance for not locking your brothers in the basement any more.
Courter was too frazzled to articulate what was driving him up the wall. I only know about "closing" because I am preparing for my first one on Monday.
I'm a nervous wreck. My procrastination has hit an all time high, which is to say that I'm doing anything but packing or work or other sensible, productive activities like lining up home owner's insurance. Instead I do time sucking things like reading RSS feeds for four hours at a stretch and pace the apartment from the kitchen/office to the bathroom and back. Hey, did you know that Bolivia might make it on to the UN Security Council? Great. That government is about as stable as Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen.
This is coming from the guy who's likely to be rocking back-and-forth in the corner mumbling something about Judge Wapner and needing new drawers from K-Mart.
20061023
Top Five Things You Need to Know Right Now
4. Today's matinee feature at Sao Paolo Cinema was X-Men: The Last Stand which earned a B- overall, but was bumped up to a B+ for inducing a nap during the Deleted Scenes review.
3. I'm at Whole Foods Global HQ in Austin right now watching a dumbass dad let his toddler crawl up the down escalator. Anyone know a good vascular surgeon in the area? Me thinks some fingers are about to detached.
2. Preliminary research may have determined that there is a genetic link with Night Owl or Early Bird behavior patterns in 30-something, male ultimate players.
1. Apparently my cell phone needed more room in my pocket and beat the crap out of my camera. Fortunately my camera's service plan had not yet expired.
20061016
How I Spent My Monday
I was on the plane from 9:35 AM - 6:35 PM, most of which was spent at Louis Armstrong in New Orleans. We were only allowed to deplane for 45 minutes during which we missed a departure window because folks couldn't re-board fast enough.
20061011
Best Blonde Joke Ever
20061009
14 Months, 16 Babies
At least 16 babies have been born to my friends and family during the 14 months. The Rubinator started everything last August when she debuted on August 5, 2005. Then came Owen, Kaia on Valentine's Day, Briggs, Kalle, Zoe, Henry on my birthday, Gracie, Kate, Calvin, Adele, Saylor, Emmett, Isaac, Annelise & Grant.
I'd be loaded if I only I were innovative enough to invent something that all new parents needed tons of besides diapers and breast pumps.
I've learned two important things as a result of all these hatchlings: 1. you can get practically any crying infant to shut their yapper by bouncing them on one of those exercise balls (yeah, Kalle) & 2. don't drink the water at any of my friend's houses cuz that's how they got prego
20061004
Skeeter Killing Macheen
Last night I found myself daydreaming (is that even possible since it was 1 AM?) about PowerBall winnings when something darted across the sliding glass door in front of me. It was Brian, the gecko, trolling for some midnight cucina.
My work light brings all the skeeters to the yard. Damn right, it's better than yours. Brian chased down a few critters and then turned in for the night.
He's back tonight in full force having chased down at least seven mosquito hawks. Finally, a pet I can handle - cheap food, no shots and lives outside.
I'll work on training him to rollover when I get back from Atlanta.
This Just In
Breaking news at this hour: I'm back in the world of the pseudo-journalist. That's right friends and neighbors, I'm now a contributor to Houstonist, which means I've got a nifty new email address and am under the gun to write at least two posts a week. Yikes!
The first one is up, so I guess that's a good thing. Read it. Love it. Send me idears.
20061002
Hey Cow!
All Bets Should Be for Money
Mark, my physical therapist and Atlanta Falcons fan, and I bet on the MNF game last week. The loser had to wear gear of the winning team during a day of work. We all know the outcome of the game. Here's the proof.
Thanks for being such a good sport, Mark. And, thanks for getting my ankle to work again.