Where Was Jesse When I Needed Him?

Although I'm sure the punishment of Terrell Owens is an inherently erroneous response not warranted by his whiney baby antics and incredibly unprofessional diva-like behavior, I was suprised to see Jesse Jackson chime in the matter. Isn't he busy working on something value-added for the whole of society? I know he's swamped with his everyday responsibilities of writing rhyming speaches and plotting conscientious objections to societal conventions, but I feel cheated.

Where was Jesse when I needed him to help protest my punishments during middle school and high school? I was grounded for over half of the 36 week school year for such faults as disobeying management's (parent's) orders and general stupidity. Are not those the same types of infractions of which T.O. has been thought guilty by Philly management?

Perhaps Jesse should be more inclusive of his services. Other individuals with the same maturity level of T.O., such as Ninth Graders in Mrs. Marko's Biology class would appreciate his intervention. I know that I would have. I could have used his services the time she can gave me detention for telling an inappropriate joke during class. Yes, the punishment was probably warranted, but Mrs. Marko should not have been able to punish me for telling a joke that she laughed at. Where is the justice in that?

Jesse, if you offer this type of service to the voters of tomorrow, you may have a shot at the 2020 presidential election.


GEICO Cavemen Are Actually Oasis

Can we not agree that the cavemen featured in the GEICO commercial are actually Liam & Noel Gallagher?

The one who orders the food is clearly Liam with Noel playing the part of the caveman sans appetite.

I haven't gotten any work done in the past five minutes, but I did save $10 on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.


One Versus The Herd

Daydreams are a frequent occurrence as I sit strapped into my cube at work. Today I am trying to sort out what kind of dog I should get after I am no longer traveling all the time for work, which should be in about ten years.

I want a miniature schnauzer. They're smart, small and don't shed. But, I don't want Catfish to get lonely at the house during the day. I was thinking of getting two, but I'm not sure if I have the patience to deal with two at the same time. House training two at the same time? Yikes!

Instead of two real dogs, may be I could get a herd of those tiny chihuahuas. Four of those dogs probably eat and process about as much as one schnauzer.


Word of the Day - NAFI

N.A.F.I. - (NAH-fee) adj. 1. Afrikaans slang. No Ambition, F@$k-all Interest; 2. a desire to be doing anything but what you are presently doing; "JB is NAFI because the surf is up, the sun is shining and he's at work"; 3. uninterested because of over exposure; 4. slightly miserable


Get Over Yourself Rep. Harris; News Media Chase a Real Story

Are we, the people, to believe that Katherine Harris is not subject to an "I Look Like Crap Day" like the rest of us face from time to time? Come on. Wake up and smell the Maybelline.

This is just another strategy crafted by campaign management to get your name in the papers so that the autonomic electors in the FL will see it. Is this really a front page worthy headline?

I'm a guy that only occasionally wears make-up, like when I am costumed for Halloween or want to feel pretty. But, I do realize that a paint roller is not the right implement for applying spackel to one's grill. In addition, lighting affects the way make-up looks on you as well. Rep. Harris, don't you have one of those crafty make-up mirrors with the different lighting settings? We had them backstage and also did stage tests of our make-up and apparel to insure we didn't look like Tron or a geisha during our productions. (This is where the Theatre degree paid off, Mom.)

Are we to believe that a newspaper photo editor has time to PhotoShop your image? Well, maybe, but would they risk their job to alter a photo of you? A conscientious individual probably wouldn't unless their name is Chad and they didn't appreciate your liberal use of their name during the Florida election debacle.

Congrats to your strategy team. Your face is now all over the news. Great. If I wanted to see stories this inconsequential I would watch the fake news on SNL or The Daily Show at least they are entertaining. The only way to make this remotely interesting or entertaining is to claim that Linda Tripp was in charge of make-up on the day in question.

The media's focus on ratings and society's increasing interest in superfluous fluff are to blame. For example, Anderson Cooper's coverage of the disintegrating Ramada sign in Pensacola was laughable. Are you sure that a hurricane has really strong winds and rain and can cause massive destruction? Damn, I did not realize that. I'm glad you were out there to confirm it for me. I am actually upset that my viewing of Temptation Island was not interrupted with a news alert.

Sure, breaks from headlines concerning Iraq, terrorist attacks and corporate scandal are required and appreciated. Should they focus on something remotely interesting like the quirky topics that Jeanne Moos uncovers? I'd much rather read a story about polar bears' activities during their coffee breaks or self cleaning windows.


This Just In...The Beatles Kick Ass!

Buh-zillions of adoring fans over the years may be proof positive of The Beatles' grooviness for most folks, but not for me. Liking something does not necessarily make it good. After all, lots of folks liked the Edsel, ColecoVision & Milli Vanilli. Where are those adoring fans now?

Plus, my mom loved The Beatles. As we all know well, parents liking something basically insures that you will not like it on general principle. Years of touting the greatness of Brussels sprouts, dentist visits and fruit cake back me up.

Yesterday was relatively uneventful as I piloted my cubicle through another maze of corporate systems challenges that were as interesting as a filibuster on whether or not the Kirby Silver Surfer or the Mobius Silver Surfer is the one true Silver Surfer.

I was saved by the stifling mundanity by the surfacing of Abbey Road in my digital music rotation. Holy cow! It's not The Beastie Boys, but I can deal with it. I rocked out as one classic after another flowed through the digisphere and my headphones into my ear bones.

Whew! I'm glad that I finally figured out that The Beatles rule. Next week I plan on addressing this "The World Is Not Flat Issue." I looks pretty flat as I gaze through the tinted office window.


I Am Bic Pentameter

Midnight on the ocean, not a street car was insight around the corner two dead boys were having a terrible fight.

Back-to-back they faced each other; drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.

As told to me by my grandfather, Johnny.


I'm Free!

I'm still chained to my cubicle, but I have escaped the confinement of my student loans. Woo hoo!

It seems as if I have wriggled free of an overwhelming weight that was holding me down. Though it is far from being as graphic and horrific as Aron Ralston cutting off his arm with his Swiss Army knife, I do feel every bit as free and relieved as I imagine he did.

Now, I am free to quit my job or at least take a huge pay cut. I can disappear from society without worrying about a Sallie Mae rep tracking me down in Australia and garnishing my wages earned by teaching monkeys to surf. I may even be able to afford that long awaited sabbatical to find the Lost Ark or explore the finer points of bartending Cocktail style or "to walk the Earth like Cain in Kung Fu."

Was it worth it to take out zillions of dollars in student loans?
Sure, I think so, but I'll let you judge based on the following list.

Top Five Things I Bought With My Student Loan Money

5. Degrees in International Relations, Theatre and Information Systems - I like to think that this broad spectrum of knowledge helped guide me to where I am. However, that does not really build warm and fuzzies since I am now chained to a cubicle. I should have learned to weld instead since all of the cool shows on the Discovery Channel always feature some sort of welding.

4. Beer - this essential item led to the gaining of item #1 in many cases after many cases.

3. Autonomy - your parents can't get on your case for dropping classes if you are paying for them.

2. Peace of mind - I still worked three jobs during my seven years of college. No, I'm not a doctor, but only through loans was I able to afford an apartment that actually had plumbing and carpet.

1. Experience, which equals wisdom (through the power of electricity, which I learned about in Math 1552).


Air You Can Drink

A wave of air engulfed me as I stepped off of the 757 into slightly conditioned air of Austin's Bergstrom International Airport. A single ironic thought meanders through my noggin, "It's good to be home."

It's been three months since I moved to Austin yet this is the first time that I have actually been in the city. But home is where the humidity is: Baton Rouge, Ft. Walton Beach, Houston and now Austin.

It is very refreshing to watch the coffee shop patrons parade past drenched in sweat. It is difficult to determine which have produced their perspiration from running across town or running across the parking lot.

My project in The OC is nearing conclusion. I could not be happier. Hopefully I will get to spend a decent amount of time transforming Austin from a party destination into a home town.


Cannonball! Cannonball Comin'!

I finally figured out why parents tell you not to run on the pool deck. You may trip on the six inch tall American flag that you can't see sticking out of the ground because your beer goggles are too thick.

I spent the Fourth of July weekend at Speer Country Club in Katy, TX after my plans in Huntington Beach unraveled at the last minute. SCC features crazy people, flippy cup and turbo coladas. All you really need to know is that I'm the intern and there is a paramedic on staff.

Had I known about the festivities getting down at the SCC, Huntington Beach would have never inched into the picture. On the other hand, had I known about the cannonball heading in my direction I would have likely retreated to Bartlesville, OK.

Suffice it to say that I will not be transforming myself from a turbo colada sipping chaise lounger into a cannonball any time soon just to see my buddy's fiancee's boobs.

Wait a minute. Who am I kidding?

Click here to view the carnage.


You Shall Address Me as Reverend

Due to an unforeseen turn of events, I am proud to report that I am now Reverend JB of the Universal Life Church. No, I'm not kidding. I can marry people now. Forget Vega$. Just drive down my street and we can take care of everything on the spot for a minimal fee.

My friends JT and Amanda were in the market for a minister to officiate their upcoming shotgun wedding in Big Bend National Park. Naturally I was intrigued and signed up to officiate on the spot without giving a second thought to the matter.

Texas is a conservative state build on rigid regulations unlike California. In California the legislature has already anticipated the desire of one friend to officiate the wedding of other friends. All one needs to do is submit a form to the County Clerk and you're all set. You can marry one couple on the day in question. One must be a registered minister affiliated with a church in Texas. Rats.

So, I did what I usually do when I need insight on the orthodox occurrences in our world. I called my mom. She pointed me in the direction of an online church called the Universal Life Church.

Viva L'InterWeb! Viva La Revolucion!

The Very Reverend JB

P.S. [20050729] Check out the wedding pix!


This Is a Test of the Stealthy Bitching While Still at Work System

Had this been an actual emergency I would have already jumped through the computer screen and into the InnerWeb so that I could head straight to the Italian Riviera to sip a cocktail and count grains of sand.

Since I'm not quite that evolved yet, I am still at the office and blaring Ice Cube in hopes that someone will order me to leave.

"I push rhymes like weight."


High School Meatheads Don't Die. They Just Become More Annoying.

One would think that in my dearth of years spent in airports, airline lounges and rental car agencies that I would have developed some sort of tolerance for the meatheads that inevitably sit right next to me and talk about nothing ad-nauseam until the free cheesefood products and ginger ale is no longer available. But no; here I sit in the LAX President's Club and my tolerance is no where to be found. I think it's in therapy learning how to endure California freeways and the taxi cabs parked perpendicular to the flow therein.

Apparently the lack of tolerance is a deal breaker for friend of mine, but impinging on my freedom to zone out whilst reading the Robb Report is an exploitation of your freedom of speech. In fact, my intelligence has plunged off a cliff like Thelma & Louise.

Is it bad to dream about killing someone with a flip-flop to the cranium? I wonder what the dorks on CSI would say about that one? Someone please make the jackasses stop talking and the evil voices in my head go away.


Westward Ho: From TX to the OC

"They call Los Angeles the City of Angels. I didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow as there are some nice folks there."
- The Stranger, The Big Lebowski

I am relocating to Orange County, California. This doesn't mean that I don't like Texas. It means I'm going where the work is. Think of me as a modern day Native American following the trail of Tetanka across the United States.

In preparation to for my migration, I watched precisely ten minutes of one episode of The OC. I liked what I saw: two super hot ladies that were not afraid to display their affection. Any local that inspired television producers to create a series about it must be rife with fodder for a displaced Texan seeking to get his own sitcom.

I will be living on a college campus. A truly inspired and under appreciated genius developed a Marriott on the campus of California State in Fullerton. I can't help feeling like Mitch Martin from Old School. But I won't be starting a fraternity from my Huntington Beach room at the Marriott, unless I run into Blue.

There is so much to do: West Coast Customs will be just down the street. Venice Beach is close too. I can pimp myself out in Dogtown with skate gear to prove that I've been there. I'll take extreme posing to a new level.

The Los Angeles area is a Mecca for professional sports: the Clippers, Lakers, Kings, Dodgers, and the Angels of Anaheim. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? Are you kidding me? What sports marketing guru thought that was a good idea? They're the California Angels if you ask me.

This Texan will uncover the truth about California. Are there really vegetarians on every corner? Does the hip coffee shop clerk have the greatest hydroponics herb? Do all Californians like to surf? Do they really have the worst traffic in the solar system? But more importantly, do avocados grow on trees?

This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.


Searching for My LaFawnduh

"Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day." - Kip Dynamite

How does the saying go? "I'm single by choice?" Sure, and the Pope doesn't wear a funny hat? At some point your choice will be to seek out a significant other. The problem is that today's environment is filled with such a diverse population that one is challenged on how to find that special someone. Thanks to the technology boom online dating services have sprung up overnight like Internet weeds.

Online dating is a form of social networking that came to the fore as Internet access became prevalent in the middle to late 1990's. Typically reserved for the geek squad, online dating was little more than personal ads posted on cyberspace bulletin boards that lead to romantic encounters in virtual forums such as chat rooms or Microsoft's Internet Gaming Zone. Now even the cool kids are doing it thanks to broader social acceptance and easy to use technology like instant messenger, blogs and improvements to staples like email and web page development.

Services like Match.com, Nerve.com, and eHarmony.com are replacing blind dates and random set-ups as the preferred method of semi-anonymous dating. Once thought to be the territory of uberdorks like Kip, an increasingly large number of folks have turned to the web to find their soul mate.

In 1996, one of my grad school compadres mentioned that his fiancée was coming to town for a visit. The usual barrage of questions ensued and was met with the usual types of responses. That is all questions but "How did you meet her?"

"I met her on the Internet," was the reply.

I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing in his face. Now, I am the one being laughed at for not having tried online dating.

The demand is so great that many web-based companies have added it to their menu of service offerings. An early example of this was Emode.com. Emode.com entered the Internet market offering Cosmo-type quizzes. You know the ones, "What Breed of Dog Are You?," "What Type of Woman/Man Will You Attract?," "Are You Extreme?," etc., etc. Using personality and aptitude data as a means to find compatible individuals was a logical next step.

At the re-branded Tickle.com site, former Emode users are encouraged to take as many of the myriad tests to facilitate matching. Evite.com, the leading on-line invitation service, has also added matching to its palette of services. Users are now able to create profiles that can be publicized via the invite list associated with an event. Further, upon logging in to the system, users are presented with profiles of other members who have been invited to the same events. Users can exchange anonymous messages through the services should a profile spark interest.

The lynchpin of the online networking world is your profile. Think of it as a resume for picking up. System users are invited to publicize as much about them as they like. Questions range from benign content, like a lists of favorite books and movies, to the absurd, like biographies of genitalia. Believe me the world does not need to know about your mole that looks like Abe Lincoln or the fact that you have seven toes. Though we would like to know if your tooth is real or not.

Sharing too much information and stretching the truth is very common in the online dating world. Henry Dittman, a veteran of online dating from LA, notes, "You can't trust those profiles, but mostly the lies are idealized versions of people, and you can tell a lot about a person based on the kind of person they aspire to be."

I will admit that I bent the truth to paint a better picture of myself. I guess some folks might believe that I actually am an Action Figure - sans Kung Fu grip. Oh well. After some input from experienced online daters, I had profiles up on Friendster.com, Match.com and MySpace.com in just a few hours.

Friendster is the web-based equivalent of meeting someone at a friend's party. You create your own social network by inviting friends to the service. These friends invite their friend's who invite their friends, etc. Searching for your soul mate is pretty easy and the system explains your connection to other users.

For example, Friendster.com told me, How you're connected: You <-> Laura <-> Sara"

Sara, a Bay Area California resident, was the first stranger I contacted via one of these online services. I emailed her through Friendster and asked for her take on online dating.

"I love browsing the 'inner world' of people's thoughts and hobbies and lives on Friendster. It's a fun way to connect with friends, for free, and to read profiles of strangers. As a dating arena, it's much less stressful than something like Match.com. In my sociological studies of both, Friendster definitely attracts some odd balls. But, Friendster is not known in the 'mainstream' and only the cool people are in the know."

Match is the almost the same as meeting someone in a bar without the luxury of small talk since the little things are probably already listed for you in the profile. True to Sara's assessment, Match.com subscribers' profiles seem to be a bit drier than the average Friendster or MySpace listing.

However, I have run across colleagues, acquaintances and exes on Match so discretion is not such a bad idea. The biggest difference between Match and other services is that Match generates income from service subscriptions, which means that you must pay to email the intriguing folks listed on the service. Some enterprising Match users list their email addresses in the body of their profiles.

Match does offer "winking," which is a non-customizable note to another user that you are interested, but according to the site, "Women respond better to email."

Of the three services I tried, MySpace.com is by far the most customizable tool in Cyber Space besides developing your own web page from scratch, hence the moniker. MySpace is a combination of GeoCities web-page communities of yesteryear and trendier online services, like Nerve.com.

MySpace also offers blogging capabilities and many other bells and whistles that will make the AV crowd smile. Beware, it seems that MySpace profiles tend to fail the truth test more often than not. Further, MySpace users seem to be in the friend collection business.

Dittman offers, "What's weird is that MySpace folks will have 2,000 'friends' and just email invites to everyone. I find that creepy."

Many users agree, including me. If I don't know you, you don't get an add, unless you're a band that I dig, like The Donnas or F-Units.

I am not sure that online dating is really my cup of tea and neither is Sara. "It's very easy to have casual, typed "conversation" and difficult to pick that up in person. So, [I keep] my "virtual" relationships, prior to meeting someone, to a minimum. Computers are not reality, period." Looks like I may need to fly out to California.

This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.


Resolutions for Procrastinators

My turkey coma is wearing off just enough so that I noticed how fast this New Year is going and my traditional time for reflections and resolutions is long gone. I took my two minutes of annual reflection and realized that many of you may be in this similar situation. Here's a list of resolutions that you should feel free to peruse and pick one or more for yourself.

Go Camping!
Go camping in one of the 100 + state and/or 14 national parks in Texas. Cube dwelling sucks the soul out of you more quickly than you realize. You think you know. But, you don't know. Some quality time with Mother Nature will recharge your core. There is nothing like roughing it for a few days to increase your appreciation of the little things, like sand free toilet paper. Click here for more info!

Walk Around Your Town
Many Texans, particularly Houstonians, spend countless hours in their cars speeding to work and speeding home from work. The only walking that is done is between the car, home, and office. Try walking instead of driving next time you need to get a pint of ice cream and a pack of cigarettes from the nearby Stop 'N Rob a.k.a corner store. Who knows what you will encounter or discover along the way? Maybe you will get a glance at your feet for the first time in a long while.

Become Well-Read, Join a Book Club
My first assignment as an LSU freshman in Introduction to Fiction was to discuss our favorite literary work with the other folks in our groups. "What do you think of Atticus as a single parent?" "Do you think that Orwell's pigs could make chocolate souffle?" I had not read one of the books the others had during high school. I'm talking about the staple classics: To Kill a Mockingbird, Fahrenheit 451, Animal Farm, etc. Once I graduated and had time for leisure reading, I instituted the Jason Bargas Literary Program consisting of all the classics that I missed during high school. I recommend that you do the same; check the internet for good suggestions. Soon you will be almost as well-read as Edmund Dantes.

Debunk the " Insert Town of Your Choice Here Sucks!" Theory
The key to success when debunking any theory is to work with an expert in the field, i.e. a knowledgeable local. Locals really can not be considered knowledgeable if they have lived there for less than six months or have not lived there in ten years. My personal quest will be to discover if I can find someone not wearing one piece of black clothing during a trip to Deep Ellum.

Support Local Businesses
Don't get me wrong. I am guilty of spending an inordinate amount of time in the nearby Super Center. I can not explain the euphoria. I think it is due to the idea that I can buy 3-and-1 oil and gauze pads in the same place. However, I feel that it is my duty to support the locals. For example, I buy my magazines from the local guy down the street. I try to avoid chain restaurants except for Pei Wei and local chains like Barnaby's. You get the idea.

See More Local Music
Take off your headphones and step away from your Ashlee Simpson-blaring-iPod. Now scold yourself for having bad taste in music. Pick up a copy of the local free paper and scan the upcoming shows. You may be surprised at what you find. Pay attention for can't miss Texas artists like Terry Allen, Todd Snider (he used to live in Austin), The Diamond Smugglers and Jug O' Lightning.

Learn Spanish--ay, Español
Life in Texas, and many other places in these United States, will only get easier once you master the language. Not only will your new language serve you well, but you will also cease to be a monolingual gringo.

Watch Fandango
Get some buddies together at your place and check out this little piece of cinematic Americana. Marvel at Kevin Costner's mostly full head of hair. Dream of your post-graduation glory days. Now, shake off the onset of depression by road tripping across Texas. Don't forget Dom since he's not out there waiting for you. Feel free to skip the skydiving.

Smile more!

This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.


H-Town Vintage* 2004

"New" Dive Bar

Rose Garden
This little gem is situated in the Heights near the Farmer's Market on Airline. Service is king with proprietor/bartender Rose Marie slinging the suds, and it's replete with Elvis decor. It's been around forever, but I didn't start going there 'til this year so it qualifies as new. It's a combination certain to evoke memories of the town home-conquered Aquarium Lounge.

Shady Tavern
There's cheap beer in the cooler, good tunes on the jukebox and characters at the bar.

Place to Buy CDs and Vans

The newly remodeled business is reopened in its original location on Montrose. Soundwaves tops the charts for its extensive offering of music ranging from classics to club tunes to The Cult. Plus, the staff does not exhibit a holier-than-thou attitude like the nerds at Championship Vinyl.

Place to Get Heckled for Being a Cubs Fan

Minute Maid Park
I love this ballpark. It's not Wrigley, but I'm also not freezing my begonias off full-time either. Fill up on food before you get there or you may need to take out a mortgage to foot the bill. Save room for one game dog, nachos and beer.

Raymond's Barbershop
Carl might shave a C in the back of your head for being a Cubs Fan, but he'll cut you some slack if you tip.

Bike Shop

West End Cycles
The technicians at West End have been providing advice to the avid and not-so-advanced cyclists for years. Prices for bike and service are reasonable, but more importantly, the staff knows their shit.

Late Night Eats

La Tapatia
The once dumpy looking taqueria is now glowing with style follow a recent renovation project. Don't let the polished exterior dissuade you from entering. Inside you will the best guacamole in town and scores of partiers trying to sober up for the drive home. Order the Quesadilla Tapatia; tell them I sent you.


Westpark Toll Road
The idea was in place a while back, but it opened this year, so it counts. Thanks to the EZ-Tag only WTR we can now commute from downtown to Highway 6 in about 15-20 minutes depending on how many slow drivers are in the way. It's the Highway 6 to wherever commute that takes forever. Can we put in a Highway 6 toll road?


The Bartlett House
Residents of The Bartlett House stomach the wrath grumpy neighbors and accurate birds, however, the benefits greatly outweigh the grumps at this small apartment building situated between Broad Oaks and West University. Cheap rent. Check. Cool co-residents. Check. Great location. CHECK.


Hotel to Oversleep for Your Flight

THEHotel, Las Vegas
This hotel is part of the Mirage complex and boasts the best room service cheeseburger in Vega$, which will arrive so quickly you'll have barely picked yourself up off the floor after attempting take off your pants while your shoes were still on. Do not count on your friends to wake you up in time for your flight. They'll be oversleeping, too.


Lebowski Fest, Louisville, KY
Not quite Trekkies, but they're fanatics none the less. Think of it as a "gateway" festival. The flagship event for fans of The Big Lebowski occurs annually during the summers in Kentucky at the Executive West Hotel, which is conveniently located across the street from a bowling alley. Attendees may enjoy discounted white Russians around the swimming pool where passed out nihilists pollute the water.

Movie I Saw Last Week

I Heart Huckabees
Director David O. Russell delivers a thought provoking comedy that lingers on your brain. Marky-Mark Wahlberg delivers a superb performance as an anti-petroleum activist/fire fighter searching for direction opposite leading man Jason Schwartzman's Albert Markovski. The pair team up to gain existential guidance from Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman. Jude Law and the caliente Naomi Watts complete the ensemble cast.

* The BackWord encourages you to leave words like "vintage" and other MTV buzzwords at the curb. Our gentle readers should re-introduce "vintage" terms like "original" or "real McCoy" or "antique" to their daily lexicon.

This was originally posted on TheBackWord.com, a Texas-centric eZine that has gone the way of the jackalope.