Excuse Me - Where are the Republican Eggs?

I developed a raging craving for breakfast tacos on the way home from my buttcrack-of-dawn doctor's appointment. Fortunately for me I realized that I was out of eggs in time to stop at the nearest grocery store, the neighborhood Whole Foods at 6th & Lamar.

My roommate, BT, and I have often commented on the fact that there should be a store connected to Whole Foods called Real Foods. In this establishment one would find Coca-Cola, Roman Meal bread, High Life, Cap'n Crunch, Aqua-Fresh and other "pedestrian" staples that are not permitted to adorn the aisles, shelves and kiosks of Whole Paycheck.

You may argue that a business of this sort already exists as the local Stop 'N Rob down the street. C'mon! We're a lazy people and traffic is increasingly bad in Austin. Across the parking lot is where it's at. We should probably add in one of those moving sidewalks just in case.

By the time I found the Dairy section tucked in behind Booze section, I had made up my mind to grab the first carton of 18 Grade AA eggs I saw. That much specificity regarding eggs was taxing me mentally, but it's amazing what you can recall when your brain is functioning on cortisone and caffeine.

The Whole Foods' egg display is a robust display d'oeufs yet severely lacking in "pedestrian" eggs. Prices range from $1.99 to $3.99 per dozen. Instead of reading "Eggs," the boxes are labeled "Organic Eggs," "Free Range Eggs," "Vegetarian Eggs," "Cage-Free Eggs" or any combination thereof.

Where in the Wide World of Sports were the plain old "Eggs?" "They must be around the corner. I'll go find them," I thought.

I must have walked three laps around the Dairy & Booze sections of Whole Foods before a nice lady stopped me and asked if I was lost. I told her that I wasn't lost but I was trying to find a box of Franzia and the 99¢ a dozen eggs. Her mouth told me that Whole Foods didn't stock those items; her face told me that I'd lost my mind.

I wandered back over to egg dealership to pick out the huevos that would become breakfast because the Stop 'N Rob by my house doesn't have eggs on the shelf. The keywords baffled me as they burned their way through my retinas into my sleepy head. Gimme a break! How can an egg be Vegetarian? It doesn't even have a fucking beak yet.

Being the cheap bastard that I am, except when on dates, I chose a dozen of the "Whole Dairy Organic Cage-Free Vegetarian Large Brown Grade A Eggs" for $1.99. During the drive home, my hungry mind passed the time with word association games. Organic. Vegetarian. Democrat.

I was about to eat Democrat eggs. Huh? I find that ironic considering that Whole Foods is jammed pack with Porsche Cayenne-driving soccer moms of Republican ilk. I must have been out of my head due to starvation and need for speed.

I got the speed out of the coffee pot on my neighbor's kitchen counter and tested my associations on him as I ground the sugar into the bottom of the mug.

"Is the wiring in my head hosed for associating organic and vegetarian with Democrats?"
"No, it makes sense to me," came the reply from TV, an academian and Democrat.

After I recounted the precedings, he cracked up laughing and asked what it would say on a carton of Republican eggs. I can't be certain. But, if the GOP is the opposite of the DNP, then it would probably read something like, "Grade A 'Merican Aigs."


2005: Year In Review

The Academy Award nominations are out which means that it's time for a look back on the year that was. Here's a peek back into my 2005.

Best Memory Made During 2005: Officiating the marriage for two of my closest friends.
That's right, I'm a reverend and have pulled the trigger. I'm proud to have been part of such a beautiful thing and not just cuz I looked beautiful.

Best News I Heard All Year: The oak tree missed my mom's house and the sundry other bright spots of information that were delivered just after Hurricane Katrina wiped out the Gulf Coast.

Second Best News I Heard All Year: $2 High Life longnecks at Shoal Creek Saloon all night, every night.

Worst News Topic: Celebrity news of any sort
Kate Moss allegedly doing coke. Michael Jackson allegedly doing kids. Angelina allegedly doing Brad. I know she's announced her pregnancy, but like Ice Cube rapped, "Let's check da results of da blood test." Are these really newsworthy items that should supplant stories about Iraq, the economy, national disasters or any of the wealth of stuff that has bearing on society that is not already covered ad nauseam in check-out counter rags?

Best 2005 Bandwagon That Is Building Steam for 2006: Text Messaging
If you're a cell phone user and you don't use text messaging or SMS, shame on you. It took off in Europe as fast as OJ in a Bronco because phone calls are so damned expensive. Momentum is continuing to build in the States thanks to better marketing (I can't believe I wrote that) and the rampage of cutting edge techologies like Yellow Arrow and StreetHive emerging on a seemingly daily basis. SMS is revolutionizing communication the way the WebOrNet revolutionized information sharing. It's easy, cheap and available. When's the last time you heard those words used to describe something that you didn't like?

Worst Idea in Sports: Free Agency
Don't agree? Ask the Eagles about T.O.? I know this wasn't started in 2005, but it can be ended at some point with enough effort from the players and teams. Darrell Jackson's six straight years of tenure with the Seattle Seahawks should not be an amazing stat; let's focus on his record breaking performances on the field.

Best Sports Show on TV (again): Pardon The Interruption
Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon are less Felix and Oscar and more Balki and Cousin Larry with their commentary on a wide range of sports and sports-related happenings. What's not to love about guys reading printed emails pulled from a talking mailbox and answering questions via paper masks?

Best Road Trip: Houston to LA in Two Days
I prefer to call it "The 25 Hours of Fahrvergnugen." TP joined me as I drove my v-dub from Houston to Los Angeles for work. We handled the distance over the course of nine hours of driving on Friday and 16 hours of driving on Saturday. Proof once again that copious amounts of Diet Mountain and gas station sandwiches can help you rise to new heights.

Worst Road Trip: Greensboro, NC to Blacksburg, VA in Three Hours
The trip sucked for many reasons: 1. I had to cut short a very relaxing trip to Padre; 2. my flight into North Carolina was delayed; 3. my rental car only had a quarter tank of gas; 4. the map did not have the start and end destinations on it; 5. I couldn't call for directions because cell service is shotty in the mountains...

Best Dive Bar in Austin That You've Already Been To But I Just Discovered: Mean Eyed Cat
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. You'd told me about it a million times. It was on the to-do list since April, but I had to conquer my fear of riding my one-speed velo up the West Lynn hill so shut it. It's a chainsaw factory transformed into a Johnny Cash loving dive. Get there early on Saturday nights because it's super packed now with High Life drinkers in the know.

Worst Japanese Sci-Fi Action Movie That I Rented & Slept Thru: Returner
It's about a rebel from the future traveling backwards in time to prevent catastrophic events from causing the end of humanity. It was better the first time I saw it. I think it was called The Terminator.

Best Action Movie That I Watched Last Night: House of Flying Daggers
Yeah, last night was 2006, but the movie is from 2004. Takeshi Kaneshiro, of Returner infamy, is much better in this movie as he kicks ass and makes out constantly with my future ex-wife, Zhang Ziyi. It's not as good as Hero, but the cinematography is almost as beautiful - easy to tell that the films have the same director.

Worst Addiction Developed: Gambling
I've loved gambling ever since my dad and I took an RV road trip to Gatlinburg, and I won enough money to play Pac Man and pinball at the incessantly at the local arcade. However, 2005 was witness to several casino trips and many nights of local Hold 'Em games. There are already three big trips to Vegas lined up for 2006; two are actually business related. It's OK though cuz I can quit any time I want.

Best Addiction Under Development: Cycling
I love cycling and not because Lance Armstrong or Steve Carrell look so cool doing it. It's a gadget thing. I like buying interesting components and putting them together and then looking at them. I even ride my bikes on special occasions like ACL Fest or pub crawls. I'm working on transitioning from bar transportation to riding them for fitness reasons. Don't worry; I'll still want to stick my bike in your trunk in 2006.

Top Five Things Pissing Me Off Right Now

5. The fact that my insurance company will cover my orthopaedist and
all services rendered at his office except for the required MRI. I
have to go to a different joint (tee hee) to get them to pay for it.
4. The lack of a killer Chinese food restaurant with delivery or easy
in-and-out in my neighborhood.
3. Ladies in the grocery store who park their carts in the middle of
the aisle, walk-off and get pissed at you for moving the cart so you
can pass.
2. Branding. Enough with the marketing already. Can't we revert to
the good ole days when cans just said "Beer" and cartons just said
"Milk." I need a translator to figure out what's actually in the
package. And don't even get me started on crap like Hollister or
1. The lawn service folks who don't bag up the clippings and leaves
but use their really loud blowers to move this organic flotsam down
the street. Extra piss off points were earned today for blowing it
into my car window.