Excuse Me - Where are the Republican Eggs?

I developed a raging craving for breakfast tacos on the way home from my buttcrack-of-dawn doctor's appointment. Fortunately for me I realized that I was out of eggs in time to stop at the nearest grocery store, the neighborhood Whole Foods at 6th & Lamar.

My roommate, BT, and I have often commented on the fact that there should be a store connected to Whole Foods called Real Foods. In this establishment one would find Coca-Cola, Roman Meal bread, High Life, Cap'n Crunch, Aqua-Fresh and other "pedestrian" staples that are not permitted to adorn the aisles, shelves and kiosks of Whole Paycheck.

You may argue that a business of this sort already exists as the local Stop 'N Rob down the street. C'mon! We're a lazy people and traffic is increasingly bad in Austin. Across the parking lot is where it's at. We should probably add in one of those moving sidewalks just in case.

By the time I found the Dairy section tucked in behind Booze section, I had made up my mind to grab the first carton of 18 Grade AA eggs I saw. That much specificity regarding eggs was taxing me mentally, but it's amazing what you can recall when your brain is functioning on cortisone and caffeine.

The Whole Foods' egg display is a robust display d'oeufs yet severely lacking in "pedestrian" eggs. Prices range from $1.99 to $3.99 per dozen. Instead of reading "Eggs," the boxes are labeled "Organic Eggs," "Free Range Eggs," "Vegetarian Eggs," "Cage-Free Eggs" or any combination thereof.

Where in the Wide World of Sports were the plain old "Eggs?" "They must be around the corner. I'll go find them," I thought.

I must have walked three laps around the Dairy & Booze sections of Whole Foods before a nice lady stopped me and asked if I was lost. I told her that I wasn't lost but I was trying to find a box of Franzia and the 99¢ a dozen eggs. Her mouth told me that Whole Foods didn't stock those items; her face told me that I'd lost my mind.

I wandered back over to egg dealership to pick out the huevos that would become breakfast because the Stop 'N Rob by my house doesn't have eggs on the shelf. The keywords baffled me as they burned their way through my retinas into my sleepy head. Gimme a break! How can an egg be Vegetarian? It doesn't even have a fucking beak yet.

Being the cheap bastard that I am, except when on dates, I chose a dozen of the "Whole Dairy Organic Cage-Free Vegetarian Large Brown Grade A Eggs" for $1.99. During the drive home, my hungry mind passed the time with word association games. Organic. Vegetarian. Democrat.

I was about to eat Democrat eggs. Huh? I find that ironic considering that Whole Foods is jammed pack with Porsche Cayenne-driving soccer moms of Republican ilk. I must have been out of my head due to starvation and need for speed.

I got the speed out of the coffee pot on my neighbor's kitchen counter and tested my associations on him as I ground the sugar into the bottom of the mug.

"Is the wiring in my head hosed for associating organic and vegetarian with Democrats?"
"No, it makes sense to me," came the reply from TV, an academian and Democrat.

After I recounted the precedings, he cracked up laughing and asked what it would say on a carton of Republican eggs. I can't be certain. But, if the GOP is the opposite of the DNP, then it would probably read something like, "Grade A 'Merican Aigs."