Crutches 101: Crutching for Knuckleheads

Crutches at the Cafe
Originally uploaded by JaseMan.
I thought crutches looked like fun when I was younger and dumber. Crutches are fun like painting a house is fun. The novelty wears off after about ten minutes and you are left with a pain in the ass that continues until you bribe someone to help you out or your doctor puts you in a walking cast. I hope the following tips lessen the PITA factor for your next crutching experience.

  • Get your crutches before you need them because it's $23 a pair online instead of $300+ a pair at the OR.

  • Crutch-proof your house ASAP by putting things out of the way or in gimp-friendly locations. For example: take your cereal off the top shelf of the pantry, and stockpile TP as close to the potty as possible.

  • Crutches and the following do not mix: oil puddles, metal detectors, armpits, small backseats, pea gravel, copious amounts of vicodin and alcohol, knuckleheads, those garden paving stones with the holes in them, really slick rugs on top of well-waxed wood floors.

  • Buy a cheap office chair cuz rolling is better than crutching. Your shredded pits will thank you.

  • Trade up to an automatic SUV because there is more space for your cast and crutches. Your hipster, environfreaky friends will have to deal with it.

  • Put your keys on a lanyard since picking up a dropped set of keys and maintaining your balance is ubertricky. Bashing your cast into the asphalt as you bust your ass in the parking lot hurts a lot more than any bruise to your image.

  • Double-check your crutch ends before leaving a party because more than one of your drunken jackass friends has taken them for a spin. Better safe than pregnant or face down in the driveway.

Somehow "What were you thinking?" Comes to Mind

Apparently just sneaking out of your house and heading to the park to split a sixer is to passe for today's teenagers. This young Michigander duped her folks and headed to the Middle East to rendezvous with a dude she met on MySpace.

MySpace.com teen is back in her space at home

Nifty technology doesn't lead to people getting raped, killed, kidnapped or worse. Stupid people and lack of common sense do.


Surgery Makes Grumpy

Originally uploaded by JaseMan.
My head has finally regained its legs after being pounded into submission by anesthesia. Now I'm trapped in my apartment with a pair of crutches and some crappy movies. At least chicks dig crutches.


I'd Rather Watch 48 Hours of Lifetime

Moving sucks. It is a fact. You can look it up.

Packing is punishment for being a consumer. You knew you shouldn't have bought those nasty running shoes that your brother called the ugliest thing since Sanda Bernhard. But, you did. You didn't need to rescue that kickass BMX cruiser from the dumpster and rebuild it. But, you did.

Once you've overcome the mass of crap crammed into the upper reaches of your 200 degree attic, the trick is convey your loot to its new home. Listen to me now. Believe me later. PAY THE MONEY FOR MOVERS TO DO THEIR JOB. Deciding to move on your own, even if you're using a U-Haul, but particularly if you are using a pick-em up truck, is more likely bring rain than planning an outdoor wedding (do it in AZ and they'll love you) or washing your car.

Settling into your new place is test of your patience, determination and sanity. Procrastinators beware: if you don't get 'er done now, you'll still be unpacking boxes two weeks before your lease expires. So, quit blogging, get your ass off of your shoulders and do the work.


Who Cares About Mona Lisa's Smile?

I can't believe the amount of attention that the Mona Lisa gets. Da Vinci Code, Schma Vinci Code. Recently this renaissance tart has been taunting my with her glib expression rampant in the news.

I don't see what the big deal is. It's a royal pain in the ass to view the work. Plus, there are much better works of art in Le Louvre, Centre Pompidou and the coffee shop across the street. I'm partial to the tin fishes and the photos of the action figures in weird settings.

Don't people have anything better to do than worry about what someone may have been thinking while their ass got tired sitting for a potrait hundreds of years ago?

Computer decodes Mona Lisa's smile

Mona Lisa 'speaks' thanks to acoustics expert

Like my mom says, "Everybody's gotta be somewhere."

The real question is what's the deal with the poems and portraits pasted on to dumpsters, electrical boxes and phone switches all over town.