Crutches 101: Crutching for Knuckleheads

Crutches at the Cafe
Originally uploaded by JaseMan.

I thought crutches looked like fun when I was younger and dumber. Crutches are fun like painting a house is fun. The novelty wears off after about ten minutes and you are left with a pain in the ass that continues until you bribe someone to help you out or your doctor puts you in a walking cast. I hope the following tips lessen the PITA factor for your next crutching experience.

• Get your crutches before you need them because it's $23 a pair online instead of $300+ a pair at the OR.
  
  
• Crutch-proof your house ASAP by putting things out of the way or in gimp-friendly locations. For example: take your cereal off the top shelf of the pantry, and stockpile TP as close to the potty as possible.
  
  
• Crutches and the following do not mix: oil puddles, metal detectors, armpits, small backseats, pea gravel, copious amounts of vicodin and alcohol, knuckleheads, those garden paving stones with the holes in them, really slick rugs on top of well-waxed wood floors.
  
  
• Buy a cheap office chair cuz rolling is better than crutching. Your shredded pits will thank you.
  
  
• Trade up to an automatic SUV because there is more space for your cast and crutches. Your hipster, environfreaky friends will have to deal with it.
  
  
• Put your keys on a lanyard since picking up a dropped set of keys and maintaining your balance is ubertricky. Bashing your cast into the asphalt as you bust your ass in the parking lot hurts a lot more than any bruise to your image.
  
  
• Double-check your crutch ends before leaving a party because more than one of your drunken jackass friends has taken them for a spin. Better safe than pregnant or face down in the driveway.