One Versus The Herd

Daydreams are a frequent occurrence as I sit strapped into my cube at work. Today I am trying to sort out what kind of dog I should get after I am no longer traveling all the time for work, which should be in about ten years.

I want a miniature schnauzer. They're smart, small and don't shed. But, I don't want Catfish to get lonely at the house during the day. I was thinking of getting two, but I'm not sure if I have the patience to deal with two at the same time. House training two at the same time? Yikes!

Instead of two real dogs, may be I could get a herd of those tiny chihuahuas. Four of those dogs probably eat and process about as much as one schnauzer.


Word of the Day - NAFI

N.A.F.I. - (NAH-fee) adj. 1. Afrikaans slang. No Ambition, F@$k-all Interest; 2. a desire to be doing anything but what you are presently doing; "JB is NAFI because the surf is up, the sun is shining and he's at work"; 3. uninterested because of over exposure; 4. slightly miserable


Get Over Yourself Rep. Harris; News Media Chase a Real Story

Are we, the people, to believe that Katherine Harris is not subject to an "I Look Like Crap Day" like the rest of us face from time to time? Come on. Wake up and smell the Maybelline.

This is just another strategy crafted by campaign management to get your name in the papers so that the autonomic electors in the FL will see it. Is this really a front page worthy headline?

I'm a guy that only occasionally wears make-up, like when I am costumed for Halloween or want to feel pretty. But, I do realize that a paint roller is not the right implement for applying spackel to one's grill. In addition, lighting affects the way make-up looks on you as well. Rep. Harris, don't you have one of those crafty make-up mirrors with the different lighting settings? We had them backstage and also did stage tests of our make-up and apparel to insure we didn't look like Tron or a geisha during our productions. (This is where the Theatre degree paid off, Mom.)

Are we to believe that a newspaper photo editor has time to PhotoShop your image? Well, maybe, but would they risk their job to alter a photo of you? A conscientious individual probably wouldn't unless their name is Chad and they didn't appreciate your liberal use of their name during the Florida election debacle.

Congrats to your strategy team. Your face is now all over the news. Great. If I wanted to see stories this inconsequential I would watch the fake news on SNL or The Daily Show at least they are entertaining. The only way to make this remotely interesting or entertaining is to claim that Linda Tripp was in charge of make-up on the day in question.

The media's focus on ratings and society's increasing interest in superfluous fluff are to blame. For example, Anderson Cooper's coverage of the disintegrating Ramada sign in Pensacola was laughable. Are you sure that a hurricane has really strong winds and rain and can cause massive destruction? Damn, I did not realize that. I'm glad you were out there to confirm it for me. I am actually upset that my viewing of Temptation Island was not interrupted with a news alert.

Sure, breaks from headlines concerning Iraq, terrorist attacks and corporate scandal are required and appreciated. Should they focus on something remotely interesting like the quirky topics that Jeanne Moos uncovers? I'd much rather read a story about polar bears' activities during their coffee breaks or self cleaning windows.


This Just In...The Beatles Kick Ass!

Buh-zillions of adoring fans over the years may be proof positive of The Beatles' grooviness for most folks, but not for me. Liking something does not necessarily make it good. After all, lots of folks liked the Edsel, ColecoVision & Milli Vanilli. Where are those adoring fans now?

Plus, my mom loved The Beatles. As we all know well, parents liking something basically insures that you will not like it on general principle. Years of touting the greatness of Brussels sprouts, dentist visits and fruit cake back me up.

Yesterday was relatively uneventful as I piloted my cubicle through another maze of corporate systems challenges that were as interesting as a filibuster on whether or not the Kirby Silver Surfer or the Mobius Silver Surfer is the one true Silver Surfer.

I was saved by the stifling mundanity by the surfacing of Abbey Road in my digital music rotation. Holy cow! It's not The Beastie Boys, but I can deal with it. I rocked out as one classic after another flowed through the digisphere and my headphones into my ear bones.

Whew! I'm glad that I finally figured out that The Beatles rule. Next week I plan on addressing this "The World Is Not Flat Issue." I looks pretty flat as I gaze through the tinted office window.


I Am Bic Pentameter

Midnight on the ocean, not a street car was insight around the corner two dead boys were having a terrible fight.

Back-to-back they faced each other; drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.

As told to me by my grandfather, Johnny.


I'm Free!

I'm still chained to my cubicle, but I have escaped the confinement of my student loans. Woo hoo!

It seems as if I have wriggled free of an overwhelming weight that was holding me down. Though it is far from being as graphic and horrific as Aron Ralston cutting off his arm with his Swiss Army knife, I do feel every bit as free and relieved as I imagine he did.

Now, I am free to quit my job or at least take a huge pay cut. I can disappear from society without worrying about a Sallie Mae rep tracking me down in Australia and garnishing my wages earned by teaching monkeys to surf. I may even be able to afford that long awaited sabbatical to find the Lost Ark or explore the finer points of bartending Cocktail style or "to walk the Earth like Cain in Kung Fu."

Was it worth it to take out zillions of dollars in student loans?
Sure, I think so, but I'll let you judge based on the following list.

Top Five Things I Bought With My Student Loan Money

5. Degrees in International Relations, Theatre and Information Systems - I like to think that this broad spectrum of knowledge helped guide me to where I am. However, that does not really build warm and fuzzies since I am now chained to a cubicle. I should have learned to weld instead since all of the cool shows on the Discovery Channel always feature some sort of welding.

4. Beer - this essential item led to the gaining of item #1 in many cases after many cases.

3. Autonomy - your parents can't get on your case for dropping classes if you are paying for them.

2. Peace of mind - I still worked three jobs during my seven years of college. No, I'm not a doctor, but only through loans was I able to afford an apartment that actually had plumbing and carpet.

1. Experience, which equals wisdom (through the power of electricity, which I learned about in Math 1552).