Interview With a Knucklehead

Ciao, belle campers.

I've been reading Interview magazine recently and daydreaming on what it would be like to be interviewed like a celebrity by a celebrity. So on a lark I called up the Editor and asked that she dispatch someone to the Hyatt to quiz me on what's been going on lately. I was shocked to get a call later in the week from the front desk informing me that Gwenyth Paltrow was awaiting my
arrival in the lounge. Here's a preview of what's going to be run in next month's issue. Hope you enjoy.


P.S. I'm gonna work on becoming more interesting over the next year so that I'll be ready for my big break and the ensuing interview requests. It's only a matter of time now.

GP: Pretty bold move just calling up and asking for an interview. What made you do it?
JB: Well, I was always told that it never hurts to ask. Now you're here. I still can't believe it. I'm gonna go buy a lottery ticket when we're done.
GP: Let me get some of the basic details about you. You work at McCall, Gilchrist & Haynes, right? What do they do? What do you?
JB: MGH is a consulting firm. We're basically like prostitutes for businesses. MGH provides whatever kind of business service you want for a price. I have been doing large software
implementations for the past four years.
GP: Sounds riveting. [feigned enthusiasm]
JB: [chuckles] Oh it is. Ranks right up there with watching paint dry. I've been thinking about exploring other career options, which I may have to do whether I like it or not since we seem to lay people with Exlax-like regularlity.
GP: Gross. Are you worried?
JB: Kinda. I've made it through all the layoffs thus far, so my odds of getting axed must be increasing. Plus, I think we only have 24 employees left in the US. I'm pretty sure I've pissed off the other 23 so I'm not going to start planning for my five-year anniversary party just yet.
Plus, they've got to lay off someone so they can afford the Holiday Happy Hour this year.
GP: The Holiday Happy Hour?
JB: Yeah, or the Triple H as I like to call it. It's the new version of the holiday party. Nothing says commitment to employees and your job is secure like keg beer and Cheez-its. I'm impressed that I get to bring a date. I heard we need to bring our own party cups to save
money so we can get two kegs. Wanna go?
GP: [laughing] I wasn't in a sorority so I'm not sure if I can make party cups, but I'll try. When is it?
JB: I'm not really sure; I'll have to get back to you.
GP: So are you're obviously pretty stressed about the layoffs? [laughing]
JB: Yeah, can you tell? [obviously not stressed] I'm on this SAP HR project up here right now, but you never can tell. If I get laid off, I think I willmove to the Bahamas to be a bartender like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. I'd be stoked if you were Elizabeth Shue's character? Interested? I can make a mean Jack on the rocks.
GP: I'm not really a bourbon kind of girl. What else to you know how to make?
JB: Just the usual stuff, but I'm planning on learning some more. I signed up for a bartending class in Manhattan. Not sure when it's gonna happen, but it should be cool. It's in a little town called Croton-on-the-Hudson. It's supposed to turn me into Tom Cruise. The coolest part is that the booze companies sponsor it so the fee is really cheap.
GP: When you are working in New York, who do you hang out with? Do you have a rat pack of friends?
JB: I hang out with one of my college buddies, Scott. He's pretty well connected with a bunch of other New Orleans folks in the city. It's kind of a ratty pack. In fact, his birthday party was last night at this Uncle Ming's place in the Village. But, I probably have the most fun watching the Saints games at Bourbon Street bar.
GP: I love the Saints! They're looking pretty good after beating Tampa. But what's up with them getting swept by the Falcons?
JB: You love the Saints? Will you marry me? I'll learn how to make whatever drink you like. Anyway, the Saints are headed to the Super Bowl. The Falcons games were rigged to get the odds to move in the right direction. If they don't make it, I'm gonna start the 2002 Bring
Back Bobby Hebert campaign. Can we go back to your place and watch Sports Center?
GP: That was Cameron Diaz and no. Learn how to make a whiskey sour and we'll talk.
JB: Deal on the whiskey sour. I'll look it up on the InterWeb when I get back upstairs. I'm so glad Al Gore invented it. [cackling like a moron]
GP: Who's your favorite ESPN reporter?
JB: I don't know. It's so hard to pick, but I'd have to go with Boo Yah! Stuart Scott as far as SC. But I like Mike Wilbon's take on Pardon the Interruption too. Of course Kenny Mayne cracks me up too. Who's yours?
GP: Duh, Kirk Herbstreit. But I think Lee Corso is sexy in a sort of wrinkly old coach sort of way. So, what's your place like in Houston?
JB: Is that a line? Wanna go back to mine and watch Sports Center. My place is pretty cool. It's small, cheap and funky. But I like it. I'm not really there all that much lately since I've been traveling for work.
GP: Hey, what's this insane talk I've heard about you starting a punk band?
JB: It's true. Scott and I are going to start a band. He wants to call it "Screaming Delta Demons." I was thinking about "Tony Orlando and Delta Dawn". Anyway, we've got some work to do. We really need to find a drummer - anyone but Tommy Lee. We couldn't handle that kind of competition for the groupies. I did manage to write a song though.
GP: You wrote a song? I find that hard to believe. Sing it to me.
JB: Nope. That's Scott's job. He's the singer, chief songwriter, and guitar player. Basically, he's the whole band. I'm just the no talent bass player hanging around to get chicks - kinda like Sid Vicious.
GP: So what's the song about?
JB: It's about trying to find Ms. Right mixed with a coming of age sort of motif. [laughing] It's called Pretty, Hot and Tempting. Basically I'm looking for a girl that's all three. Naturally, things don't work out too well and the motto of the song changes. I wrote it while I was bored in a meeting in Connecticut.
GP: Is that one of the professional services you offer?
JB: Yeah, songwriting and back rubs. I was voted best back rubber on my last project.
GP: You're so full of it. [not amused, but smiling]
JB: Seriously, to quote Samuel L. Jackson, "I got my technique down and everything. I don't be ticklin or nuthin."
GP: Nice, but I still don't believe you. Let's talk about something else. Done any traveling lately?
JB: Every week between Houston and NYC. But, I'm sure you meant personal trips. I went to Baton Rouge and New Orleans a couple of weeks ago. I'm going back to the Rouge for the holidays with some R&R time in Houston. Other than that, I probably won't be doing much jet setting. The commute to New York is brutal - at least six hours each way, usually seven. I guess it's better than being in Bartlesville, OK again.
GP: What do you want for Christmas?
JB: Nothing much, I guess. I wouldn't mind getting a good book for the JB Literary Program. In fact, my friend Alison sent me a list of books to choose from. She suggested Life with Pi. But I'll probably just get a coloring book. Actually, I wouldn't mind getting some classics on DVD, like Ferris Bueller, Basketball, and Fletch.
GP: Are you still playing ultimate?
JB: Not right now, I've been sitting on my butt, eating burgers and drinking Jack on the rocks. Pretty standard, really. But that's all about to change. My friends are peer pressuring me to train for a half-marathon. Not too sure if it's a good idea, but it'll be good to get off of the couch for a while.
GP: Do you have any pets?
JB: No, not anymore; I used to have some fish, but they all bit the dust. I'll probably get a dog as soon as I get a job that doesn't involve so much travel.
GP: Any idea what you'd name it?
JB: Hmmm. Probably Lone Star after the Space Balls character. Or, maybe, Wooderson from Dazed and Confused.
GP: Did you have a favorite cartoon character as a kid and did you ever dress up like him for Halloween?
JB: Hell, yeah. Batman. I was a Batman freak. My grandma made me a cape out of an old blue sheet. It had the points and everything. I even had a t-shirt with the logo on it. I was the man. I thought I was Adam West.
JB is currently working on his first book, a non-fiction effort titled, Top Five Things That Suck: Indications That You May Be Having a Gen X Midlife Crisis.

Ms. Paltrow is busy preparing for her next role and is not returning his calls.

Disclaimer: This is fiction. I've never been interviewed by GP, but would consider it if she asked.

Note: I sent this email to a few friends and relatives who bought it and forwarded it on (there was no disclaimer then). Some folks suggested that I post it here, so I did.

No comments: