Free Advice: Deciphering the Friend Zone

While we were in Talladega, The Mic discussed the concept of wandering around in a t-shirt that said "Free Advice" as a way to meet folks and start conversations. Recently a FriendGirl asked me via IM to decipher the Friend Zone. I decided to share the transcript in hopes that it spurns folks, yours truly included, into action so that they're "expressing with their full capabilities."

FG: do you subscribe to the notion that if a guy hangs around a girl but doesn't ask her out, he's really not into her? this is on behalf of a friend. seriously.
JB: yes, or he is:
1. scared to F up any relationship
2. intimidated
some folks aren't mature enough to get asked out, say no and put it behind them
FG: that is true.
JB: i've done it (been the asker and askee)
FG: but then giving in and fooling around and then NOT dating/saying wants to be single is SURE to screw up the friendship
JB: twice with success
and many with discomfort
FG: Yeah.
I hear you.
JB: yeah. i agree. if you're going to do it, then you need to go in with 'this isn't a one nighter' mentality
unless both parties agree, which is rare, but that's happened to me too
i feel like Dr. Phil.
get your friend to listen to Thin Line by J5
FG: I appreciate it. : )
But the "intimidated" word - I HATE that.
JB: yeah. you should just ask the guy out
FG: What?!
But we are not talking about me.
JB: sorry
FG: Actually, I really was talking about a friend on the hookup part.
But I have been faced with similar situs.
Non-hooking up situs.
JB: 10-4.
it's common, i think.
and natural
FG: I am such a girl though, I can't hook up without getting all attached.
JB: who doesn't want to get involved with a friend
as in you're not going to date someone you don't like/can't relate to/can't be friends with
FG: Well, I hope not - you would be surprised however by the number of my guy friends who don't seem to be overly concerned about that.
If she's hot LOL.
JB: did we already talk about "Coffee Shop Analysis"?
FG: Eh
JB: KO. I really need to draw this up in power point.
it's currently on a xerox of a napkin
short story: debbie (close friend girl) and I were in CS (union square) and had a big discussion about attraction after i commented that the waitress was hot
this waitress was not one of the wannabe supermodel waif types
was a real girl from TN trying to be an actress
FG: oh man
JB: it's pretty interesting
FG: i am sure
i hate the friend zone.
JB: basically a sliding scale of about 8-10 qualities
friend zone sucks
but it's tough to escape
FG: i know. once you are in it's like death to get out
JB: i've only pulled the trigger on asking about a friend twice
once worked out well and turned into a decent relationship
then failed
but we're still close
FG: that is good!
JB: and it's not awkward
FG: that's awesome.
JB: the other time
crashed and burned
But, we're still friends
FG: ouffff
JB: i chickened out the thousand other times
FG: Yeah, I know.
At the end, you just think, well, it's always good to have good friends.
JB: yeah. i agree.
FG: Why is it so hard?!?
JB: but, i also don't want to be the next Tony Randall
FG: Heh heh.
You are telling me - all the guys who do actually ask me out are like 12.
JB: it's tough because when you have the guts, you're (aka I) am typically slightly tipsy
and when you ask some out or make some overture at that point, then the girl usually thinks
FG: Oh, he's drunk
JB: "he just wants to get in my jeans"
FG: Exactly.
JB: when he (I) am thinking, "wow. she's smart, funny & good looking. And, we get along well. I should ask her out."
"I'll ask her when we're tipsy so that I can 'joke' it away if it bombs"
FG: sometimes things only happen when both are drunk.
JB: i really need to make a shirt that says "Free Advice"
FG: But whenever I've done that, it very rarely turns into actual "dating"
Yes. : )
JB: i think the key is to DTR up front
JB: but sometimes an early DTR can scare the shit out of all parties
define the relationship
I so hear you on that.
JB: for example,
FG: It's like, how do you say to someone, hey, I could actually really consider you being a serious contender in the whole long term thing, to show them you are serious.
JB: just a sec
i met a girl just after i moved to austin
we hung out a lot
had a great time
met for a happy hour or two
FG: ?
JB: she then told me she had a boyfriend
after we went on more of a date
i was pissed, but she was cool
so we were friends
then about six months later
FG: Oh no!
JB: they broek up
and then we hooked up during a drunk moment
at the same also discussed that we'd like be better as friends
then hooked up one more time just to be sure
FG: that's pretty funny
well, you have to make sure
JB: then have been friends ever since
FG: wow. jason i think you are WAY more mature than me.
JB: so that's the way the drunk thing happens
and works out
i put on a good front
FG: I guess. I also think you are much better than I am at not letting your ego get the best of you.
I take everything very personally.
Not my best feature.
JB: yeah. i do, too. but i suck it up
and step back
and have some bourbon
and then try to be objective
and realize that you can't force anything with relationships
because if you do, there will likely be bigger issues if the whole thing doesn't just fall apart
FG: No, it's true.
this may become a blog entry
FG: oh god
JB: no names mentioned
don't worry
i can keep a secret better than a dead guy
FG: hee hee
JB: the moral of the story is:
FG: Yes?
JB: ask me out already, cuz i think you're stellar
and your butt looks great in those jeans


Anonymous said...

are those space pants you're wearing b/c your ass is OUT of THIS WORLD!


Lil Sass said...

JB, I have been meaning to post about this FOR WEEKS!! I have similar commentary to share and am bummed that you 1) are chat cheating on me and 2) actually posted this before I got the chance!
I will post a duelling entry by end of weekend and then we can "tawk amongst ahselves"