Coffee Shop Analysis

Coffee Shop Analysis
Originally uploaded by JaseMan

It seems that my brain cycles are being used more and more for introspection and thinking about thoughts that need thinking about. These thoughts that need thinking vary from day to day, hour to hour and moment to moment; the variations caused by chaotic happenings of everyday life. One form of introspection and thought thinking involves the chaos of ladies.

Perhaps the biggest questions we face presents themselves in the form of finding a mate/partner/spouse/cool person to hang out with for a while. How do you pick the right one? Did you already meet the right one and not know it? Does your friendgirl/friendguy think you're the one, but you don't know it? If so, how does one ask the F.G. what's what without freaking them out? These are all bullshit questions.

The question you need to be asking yourself is, "What am I looking for in an S.O.?

I've been trying to figure out the answer to that question for a while now. I'm guessing that you other single kids out there are still trying to figure it out as well. The answer is much more involved that a brunette with big boobs and a nice ass. No, the answer is not a brunette with big boobs, a nice ass and brains, but that's pretty good start.

The truth is that the answer will vary from person to person and potential S.O. to potential S.O. That makes my head hurt. Why do things have to be so complex? Why can't The One just appear with a big flashing police light above her head? That'd make things tons easier.

One day about five years ago - October 12, 2005 to be exact - my friendgirl Debbie and I let loose our brain cells in the direction of the question during breakfast at Coffee Shop in Union Square. We didn't plan on it. All I did was order grits - kinda like this:

"Hi, can I get you something to drink?" asked the hot waitress in wife beater and jeans.

"Yeah. Coffee and a water. And, do you have grits? I don't see them on the menu."

"Nope. No grits. But, there is a place across town that does. Are you from the South? I'm from Tennessee."

"I'm from Baton Rouge."

"Cool," she said before leaving to fetch the coffee.

"Damn. She's hot," said my inner monologue to Debbie.

"What makes her so hot?" asked Debbie.

And, voila! Coffee Shop Analysis was born on the back of a dinner napkin. Debbie and I spent the next hour discussing the qualities that factor into the criteria against which a potential S.O. is evaluated prior to said potential S.O. being pursued as the S.O. You may not know that you're doing it, but you are. It's a fact. If you don't believe me, you can look it up.

Here are the criteria that our Coffee Shop Analysis yielded:

+ Cultural Awareness

The ability to discern differences between populations of folks as well as the ability to not stick your foot in your mouth when interacting with folks who don't look just like you.

+ Financial Stability

You don't have to be rich, but please don't be so leveraged on your credit cards that we can't buy a packet of Kool-Aid and the sugar to go with it.

+ Intelligence

Ya ain't gots to be in MENSA, but it would help if you could string more than five coherent thoughts together in a conversation.

+ Maintenance

Do you have to be dolled up to the nines every time we go out or can you hold your own in a t-shirt and some flips?

+ Personality

You need to be interesting and have a sense of humor.

+ Physical Beauty

No Shrekettes allowed, but I haven't seen a Shrekette since I got lost in the Sonora Caverns.

+ Psycho Factor

This area includes codependence as well as general mental health. You must be able to function on your own at least part of the time. And, you'd better not jump my case if all the canned goods labels don't face in the same direction.

+ Spontaneity

You cool with driving all the way to Austin on a whim to get BBQ for lunch on a Monday? No? Please exit stage right.

Together these criteria are called the Partner Quality Continuum. Each of the criteria are scored from 0 to 10 with 10 being the best. Clearly folks would love to find someone who's a ten in each area, but you've got a better chance of seeing God than having that happen. Debbie and I decided that the best approach was to rank the criteria in order of importance and go from there. I'd share our rankings with you, but then I'd have legions of chicks lined up outside The Ranch.

Can't have that. It might piss off the neighbors.